Bend or Break False Relationship Rules for Real Love

Society will tell you to follow the rules and although most of us like to think we adhere to most moral rules, the truth is I’ve been secretly making up my own for years. In particular, when it comes to relationships, women are expected to want to “settle down” and by a certain age. 

It’s in the word “settle”. Why should we “settle?” It’s the complete opposite of building a life with someone where you both have your personal goals that you support each other with and then you have joint life goals based on shared core values and principles. Settling down doesn’t have to mean the end of your life, freedom and discovering or living your purpose and passions if you’re both on the same page. 

The importance of the language we use

We’re talking about relationships. And our limited yet powerful language imprints on us, whilst our childhood conditions, familial and societal influences can lead us to living a life that we’ve fallen into without making conscious decisions to create the life we choose to live and build a connection that feels real to us. I generally call relationships connections because it reduces the common expectation and pressure people place on conventional relationships. 

Stages in a connection

Connections come and go. It’s a part of the ebb and flow of life. Some stay for a short while and others for longer. There are only a few lifetime connections that we experience in our journey. When I think of connections, it reminds me of the line in a poem by Brian A Chalker, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Our connections teach us our Soul’s lessons; however, we’re so programmed into believing that the ultimate joy in life comes from being in a marriage or a relationship that we fail to see that some connections may just come into our lives to teach us something. So, we constantly push ourselves to make something work even when it’s not meant for us.

We get caught up in the conventions and the expectations of a connection. We feel like we owe others an explanation of why we consider someone a life partner or not, or that we “should” be on a path to “settling” down because it’s been a certain number of months or years. Why can’t we just get to know each other properly without any other intention? And why do we follow these rules set out by others that often lead us to make decisions in a pressurised environment instead of for our best and highest good?

So, what if it’s been three months, six months, 10 months? Does that really mean that we need to place a label on the connection? And what’s the rush in trying to establish where something is going if you’re trying to see the real person behind the mask to assess whether it’s what works for you or not? 

The false rules

We’re raised with these false expectations and rules embedded into our subconscious by the world around us since childhood and they set us up for failure:

  • You’re a certain age, you should be married
  • You should have children by now
  • You’ve been together for five years; you should get married and have kids

Questions to ask your Self when it comes to your connections:

  • When did it become the rule that if you’re a certain age, or if you’ve been getting to know someone for a certain period of time, then the next natural step means committing the rest of your life to them? 
  • Also, who says you have to call someone your boyfriend, or partner or whatever term you prefer after a certain period of time?
  • Or, that after a certain number of months or years that the next natural step is marriage just because of your age?
  • And who said that getting married and having kids will bring you happiness?

These labels and expectations that are placed on women can be tricky to manoeuvre and if you’re uncertain of your Self, or what you’re looking for, it can be easy to be swayed by others into thinking that this is something you want; being a girlfriend, wife or mother and the typical view that a “relationship” results in your ultimate fulfilment. 

Can see how many couples end up in separation or divorce these days because they didn’t know themselves well enough, or followed someone else’s rules, instead of figuring out who they are and what works for them outside of the expectations and conditions placed on them by their upbringing? They unconsciously re-play these patterns of conditional love and placing expectations on their person to meet their unmet childhood needs as adults because they’ve been unable to do the work to get to who they truly are. 

Getting on the same page

When we focus on the labels and stages set out by society and conventional views of a relationship, or what a relationship should look like, we forget to focus on the present and intentionally assess if we’re really well suited to someone. We forget to observe the actions and behaviours, to assess if our and their values and principles are real or if they’ve been inherited through generational and societal imprints and conditions. Instead, we unconsciously allow ourselves to be swayed into the mindset that marriage, a house and kids equal a “happy” life. 

Bending or breaking the rules that mass society has been programmed into believing about connections will ensure that you don’t “settle” because of your age, what’s expected of you, or because of the false belief that your happiness comes from being in a “relationship,” being “married” or having children and “settling” down.  

Forget about the labels or the duration for a second and really get to know if the person has similar values and principles, see who they are and what they’re about… if they have qualities that you can learn from or that complement you to balance you out.  

Creating conscious connections

Choosing to ignore what society and your family expect of you, start paying attention to true compatibility instead of focusing on the stages to get to an end goal of marriage. Breaking or bending the rules like this, will safeguard you from getting into a connection that isn’t as easy to get out of when finances or children are involved. Even more importantly, it ensures you’re doing it for you instead of society or to meet the expectations of your family.

Choose to build up with someone, instead of choosing to “settle down”. Just make sure that you’re doing what suits you and not society, or what others consider a suitable path for you. It starts by learning who you are and your needs outside of what is expected of you, so that you can build something real and lasting.

Divya Chandegra 

As a Wellness Soul guide, Divya teaches clients how to resolve childhood conditioning and re-connect with their true Self to create the life they deserve to live through conscious living. Subscribe for FREE access to her Unblock your Self masterclass and much more > 

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