All too often, I hear about another tragedy and the loss of a life due to suicide. After experiencing the aftermath myself, I know that it is not a simple thing to process and the resources out there are difficult to find. People don’t want to talk about suicide, but this means the people who are struggling have no support. Those who have been bereaved by suicide are at a higher risk of suicide themselves.
So this week’s post is all about bereavement by suicide, because I want people to know what it’s like. I want people to know what is going on in our worlds. Loosing someone is always hard, but this is heartbreaking. Take some time to read through this; there are great resources for support at the end.
Bereavement by suicide shares characteristics with other bereavements but it is also different. Understanding how and why it differs is helpful when you are supporting people who have been bereaved. Remember that we are still human, not just a statistic on a report.
The grieving process
The grieving process is often complicated and typically lasts longer than other types of bereavement – significant effects may still be felt for many years after the death. We are all individuals and each of us will have had a unique relationship with the person who died – there is no single or correct way to experience bereavement. There are, however, many common reactions and factors in bereavements by suicide.
A death by suicide is usually sudden, often unexpected and may be violent. These factors increase the degree of shock and trauma experienced compared to many other types of bereavement. Survivors may struggle to make sense of what has happened and fundamental beliefs may be challenged.
Bereavement by suicide can bring an intense range of emotions and physical reactions which may be unfamiliar, frightening and uncontrollable. This is normal, but can be scary at the time. Emotional reactions are often complex and people may find that they are experiencing a bewildering range of feelings including guilt, anger, rejection, sadness and fear. People who have been bereaved by suicide may become vulnerable to thoughts of suicide themselves – this is natural but should not be ignored!
Physical reactions are common. These may include tightness in various body parts, stomach pains, sleeplessness and poor concentration. I am personally still experiencing the physical problems caused by the shock response. This is definitely something medical professionals can help with.
Those who have been bereaved by suicide may also have symptoms of post traumatic stress. You don’t need to have witnessed the death or found the body to suffer from flashbacks or nightmares. It can be hard to stop imagining what happened – and imagination may be worse than the reality. Just being by their side is helpful. You don’t need to say anything – the company is reassuring.
Death by suicide, even more than other types of bereavement, makes many people uncomfortable and unsure how to react. There is still a stigma attached to suicide, rooted in centuries of history, and this generates misplaced associations of weakness, blame, shame or crime. This stigma can prevent people from seeking help when they need it and others from offering support when they want it. Be careful and sensitive when you talk about their death – avoid using the phrase “committed suicide” and instead say, “died by suicide”.
There may also be a desire to deny that the death was a suicide – this may be driven by cultural values or from a sense of denial or of shame. This can create further confusion in an already complex situation. Lots of people have different opinions, but remember there is nothing to be ashamed about.
Many people who have been bereaved by suicide feel isolated. Others may avoid them, perhaps not knowing what to say or because they don’t want to upset the person. The sense of isolation may be especially acute if the bereaved person perceives other people to be uncaring or judgemental. Some people are unlucky enough to receive particularly thoughtless and malicious comments. These are not helpful and can be extremely upsetting – please consider your words and actions.
It may also be that the bereaved person avoids contact themselves. They may struggle to share their own feelings because they are fearful themselves of what they are experiencing. They don’t want to upset other people or may worry about how to answer questions such as “how did he die?”.
When someone dies by suicide, it can be difficult to maintain privacy. There may be emergency services at the scene and visits from police. There may be media attention – this can happen when the person dies and may be repeated after the investigation by the coroner or procurator fiscal. The inquest is held in a public court of law and anyone can attend – in certain circumstances reports will be made which remain on publicly accessible databases.
An inquest won’t be straight after the death, I had to wait almost 12 months for my partner’s. I have to be honest – it’s not a nice process or experience. The investigation is a source of considerable concern for those bereaved. The process can be lengthy, the proceedings are unfamiliar and the language is legal, technical and cold. The process is open to public attention and there is often media reporting. Family and friends may be required to give evidence in the courts – this itself can be very intimidating. Speaking to your police liaison officer can help ease anxiety and ensure you can avoid any particularly upsetting parts. In addition to being an added strain, investigations may reveal information about the bereaved person which was unknown to their family and friends.
Please remember that you don’t have to be a direct relative of the person who has died to seek support. Often grief has a ripple effect and can hurt many people. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support or talk to others.
You can find more help at www.mindandthegap.com
