What Is Decency?

Most of us want to be good people. But while we’re offered a lot of ideas about how to be successful, happier, healthier, or more spiritually fulfilled, roadmaps for being “good” are far harder to come by. Instead, the prevailing assumption seems to be that our “true” good nature will emerge if we just get rid of our selfish, rude or manipulative behaviors; that a “time out” is all that’s needed for our good self to re-emerge.

I disagree. Being a good person – especially in a culture dominated by competitive, me-first mindsets – is very challenging. Understanding this, Radical Decency offers a detailed roadmap for putting our desire to be good into practice in the pressure-packed world in which we live.

The starting place: We can’t practice decency on a part-time basis. If we do, the culture’s relentless compete-to-win pressures will overwhelm the smaller islands of decency we seek to create. And, importantly, we need to be just as decent toward ourselves as we are with everyone else.

Because being “good” is multi-faceted and tricky, it’s essential to pay detailed attention to what it actually involves. So here is my formula for being Decent: 7 Values further broken down into 2 Attitudinal, 3 Relational and 2 Action Values.

Attitudinal Values (mindsets we bring to each interaction)

Respect

Respect encompasses politeness and civil expression. Built into it as well is a presumption of good will; a particularly tough mindset to honor in world where the all too typical response to criticism is escalating counter criticism. Being Respectful, we strive always to avoid lapsing into the culture’s dismissive, tit-for-tat attack mode.

Acceptance

Buddhism teaches us that, because the full range of human emotions is within all of us, it makes no sense to treat other people’s “bad” behaviors as aberrational or as an affront. Better to view them as inevitable parts of their humanness and, thus, with a sense of Acceptance.

Here, we’re talking about Acceptance of people and not of their beliefs and actions. When someone takes a position or engages in behaviors with which we fundamentally disagree, we should be forceful and determined in our opposition. The hallmark of Acceptance is to challenge other people’s behaviors not their personhood.

Relational Values (qualities we nurture in every relationship)

Understanding

The goal here isn’t to agree or disagree. Instead, we seek to see the world as others see it; to develop an ever-deepening sense of where they’re coming from. This in turn requires us to replace our tendency to judge others’ thoughts and ideas with a deepening sense of curiosity, becoming more and more aware of differing outlooks, beliefs, and communication styles.

Empathy

Empathy is deeply interwoven with Understanding and is similarly grounded in curiosity. But while Understanding is rooted in thoughts and ideas, Empathy operates in the world of emotions. With Understanding, we seek to see the world as others see it. With Empathy, we strive to experience in our bones what it feels like to be them.

Appreciation

The premise here is that everyone (and their every thought and feeling) makes complete sense; if, that is, we just know enough about their innate disposition, history, adaptations to that history, and hopes and dreams for the future. Attaining this level of insight is probably impossible – even with ourselves. But striving to do so allows us to better Appreciate the pain, confusion and struggle we all experience as we seek to get by in life. Nurturing this mindset in every relationship – from the most intimate to the most public and arms-length – we cultivate increasing mutuality, warmth and, in its fullest flowering, affection and love.

Action Values (our “bottom line” choices with others and in the world)

[It’s impossible to overstate the importance of these Action Values. Decency can only become a vital force for change when it’s translated into the choices we make in the world].

Fairness

Here, we are alive to the consequences of our choices for ourselves, others and the world – seeking to balance them in an equitable way.

Justice

The essence of Justice is an ongoing, fearless inventory of what we and others are doing. In this way, we maintain accountability for our actions and the actions of others, allowing us to consistently challenge the inequities and injustices that litter our life and world.

Seeking to apply this very challenging roadmap for being a good person, two obvious questions come up.

First, why do it? And my answer, covered elsewhere in my writings, is that in addition to being the right thing to do, it’s its own reward, the pathway to a more nourishing and generative life.

Second: How do we avoid sliding back into the me-first, competitive mindsets so dominant in our culture? On this issue, I offer 7 Sustaining Mindsets – again broken down into 3 subcategories.

Stay the Course – Focus and Persistence.

Maintaining our weight at a certain level, we need to focus on our diet and, crucially, maintain that focus for as long as that’s our goal. So too, with Decency. The pull toward the culture’s compete/win mindsets is strong. Understanding this, it’s essential to stay Focused on Decency’s 7 Value and to Persist in applying them in every context and without exception.

Stretch to be Your Best — Guts, Creativity, Humility.

Applying Decency’s 7 Values, day by day, there are so many judgment calls. Do I raise an issue that’s bothering me with a difficult person? Or since it’s certain to be uncomfortable and might not go well, should I say nothing? In this and so many other situations, there is no right answer.

Instead of jumping to the “say nothing” option, challenge yourself to be Gutsy. Also, steadily push yourself to be Creative, perhaps raising the issue in a new way. Finally, be Humble. Reflect on what you can learn from how things go and, then, move on to the next challenge.

Accept Your Limitations – Patience and Self-Compassion

There is so much trial and error in being truly decent. And while we’ll learn and get more skilled, there is no end point where, finally, we’re fully decent. So, Patience is a must as well as lots and lots of Self-Compassion when – as is inevitable – we fall short.

Jeff Garson

About the Author

Jeff Garson is author of Radical Decency: A Values-Based Approach to a Better Life and World. A corporate attorney for 25 years, Jeff left the law profession in 2000 and founded a multi-disciplinary healing center, as well as the Decency Foundation, which brings Radical Decency to the business world. In his second career as a psychotherapist, he has supported many clients who struggled to find their way in a world that relentlessly pushes them to compete and win.