Learning to Accept that Not All Endings Are Happy 

When family members are abusive, it may be that the kindest thing you can do for all concerned is to walk away. 

We grew up in a home with addiction, abuse, and mental illness. The fear and the pain generated by these experiences left their imprint on us. As we married and began to have children, we noticed some very disturbing patterns in the family — patterns that were interfering with our ability to create stable, loving homes of our own. This forced us to reexamine our own upbringing. 

As we examined our past, we came to recognize the abuse and dysfunction in our family of origin. When we began the long road of recovery, we made several attempts to include our other family members in the healing process. But they all fell on deaf ears. In the end, we decided we had to sever all contact with our parents and brother in order to break the cycle of abuse for our own children.  

Now, with decades of healing under our belts, we’re called to share what we’ve learned. We hope that others who grew up in homes with addiction and abuse can find hope in the way in which we’ve rebuilt our trust in ourselves, found more joy in our lives, and found ways to heal. 

Playing the hand you’re dealt 

No one deserves or signs up for abuse. We certainly didn’t choose it, but we were left with the aftermath and it has touched every part of who we are. We’ve struggled emotionally, experienced negative impacts on our health, and felt the deep wound to our spirits. We can’t change any of that, but we’ve found purpose in using our experiences to raise awareness and help others. 

Early stages of healing 

Once you recognize that you’ve come from an abusive home, it’s important to learn as much as you can about what you’ve experienced so you can fully understand the impact it has had on you. In the early years, we read many books — some written by professionals who could explain the dynamics in abusive homes, others by people who’d personally experienced what we had. This provided validation for our perspectives and reassured us that we weren’t crazy.  

We also tried counseling and support groups, such as Al Anon and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). Sharing in these groups helped us push through the fear and shame of telling our story, and provided further confirmation for our feelings and experiences.  

Most importantly, we had each other. Having a sibling to work with during the recovery process made an enormous difference. As sisters, we knew what the other had been through, and could validate and support each other when we needed it most. This dramatically accelerated the healing process for us. 

Continuing to grow 

We’ve tried to follow our intuition as we decided what steps to take on our healing journey. We developed regular meditation and yoga practices, which helped cultivate more stillness and peace in our lives. We’ve studied energy healing, such as Reiki, and attended workshops on spiritual development.  

We continue to read and use what we’ve learned to help others. Jennie is a family nurse practitioner who treats and counsels abuse survivors in her practice. Ronni is a Sociology professor who teaches courses on abusive family dynamics, emphasizing how to recognize survivors of childhood trauma and reach out to support them. We’ve taken the lessons from our upbringing and tried to use them to make a difference in the world, which has provided us with a sense of meaning and purpose. 

Forgiveness without reconciliation 

Making the unthinkable choice to walk away from our parents and brother was incredibly painful, but it was necessary to successfully break the intergenerational cycle of trauma and abuse in our family. Seeing the joyful lives our children are creating, we know that our painful decision was more than worth it. We’ve forgiven our family members, but we know that reconciliation isn’t possible. Reconciliation requires both parties to work together in mending the relationship and making it healthier. Our family members refused to do that. 

Living lives of joy 

While we’ve come a very long way on our healing journey, we can never leave the past fully behind us. It’s always part of who we are. It has left its mark, but it doesn’t have to define us or determine our future. We both still live with some anxiety symptoms, and Jennie experiences depressive episodes occasionally, but we’ve learned to make peace with our past and to move through these periods more smoothly. We recognize that pain is part of living, but suffering is optional. So instead, we focus on the gift we have in each other, and the joy we feel in knowing that our children are living their lives without the baggage that we carried.  

We’re also excited about what lies ahead. We’re now 30 years into this journey and we still don’t know where our roads are taking us, but we’ve learned to follow our hearts. And we’re determined to help others like us do the same. 

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Written by Ronni Tichenor, PhD, and Jennie Weaver, FNP-BC 

Ronni Tichenor has a PhD in sociology, specializing in family studies, from the University of Michigan. Jennie Weaver received her degree from the Vanderbilt School of Nursing and is a board-certified family nurse practitioner with over 25 years of experience in family practice and mental health. Their new book, Healing Begins with Us: Breaking the Cycle of Trauma and Abuse and Rebuilding the Sibling Bond (HeartWisdom LLC, April 5, 2022), shares their inspiring and hopeful story of healing from their painful upbringing. Learn more at ronniandjennie.com.