Looking after your children’s wellbeing during a divorce

Statistically, a marriage ends in divorce in the UK every two minutes. Yes – it really is that common. But knowing that you aren’t alone in what you’re going through doesn’t prevent divorce from taking a tremendous toll on everyone involved. And for the children of a marriage, it can be a confusing time that leaves lasting emotional scars.

Specialist divorce solicitors Cordell & Cordell have interviewed three prominent parenting experts about their advice for divorcing parents, exploring what can you do to calm your kids’ worries about the future, and how to protect them from suffering long-term psychological damage.

Break the news together

As a couple you might be going your separate ways, but as parents you should still be presenting a united front. Noël Janis-Norton, from Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, recommends that parents sit together when telling their kids what’s about to happen.

“Tell them: ‘We’ve got some sad news for you. We’ve been arguing a lot, and our home has not been a happy place – there are too many differences between Mummy and Daddy. We have decided to live in different homes to see if then we can be happier. You can still live with both of us.’ Keep reminding them that it is not their fault.”

“You can expect children to be upset, even if they do not show upset in the first place. Just acknowledge how scared or anxious they might be.”

Reassure – but avoid false promises

One of the reasons divorce is so tough on everyone involved is that it throws up so many questions about the future that you won’t have the answers to straight away. For your kids, some of these might be seemingly small things that you won’t have even considered, such as whether they will have toys at both parents’ houses. Parenting journalist and author, Liat Hughes Joshi, says: “Fundamentally, children don’t like uncertainty, and particularly at the beginning of the separation process there can be a lot of that. You might not know the answers to some of their concerns, such as whether you’ll need to move house, because you don’t know how the financial settlement is going to work out yet.”

She recommends: “Provide reassurance where you can but avoid false promises, as these could undermine their trust in you later on. Let them know you will do all you can to provide stability and contact with both parents. For the immediate, focus on the things that won’t change – particularly that both you and your ex love them.”

Shield them from conflict

“Try whenever possible to have difficult discussions and arguments with your ex out of earshot. Stick with communicating by email if you really have no other way of avoiding things turning into a slanging match”, recommends Hughes Joshi.

Chances are, your divorce won’t be something that’s over and done with quickly – the average length of time it takes to finalise a divorce is around 18 months. In the context of a child’s life, that’s a very significant period of time. Anything you can do to limit their exposure to conflict will help to safeguard their wellbeing in the longer term.

According to Noël Janis-Norton, adverse outcomes of divorce come from high-conflict divorces, not from divorce in general. “As long as both parents and children learn how to resolve disagreement without conflict, children can come out of your divorce unscathed,” she says.

 “Think of yourselves as a team in front of the children. Be positive about the other person. Praise the other person. Children must feel like they can love both parents – if not, they are likely to become depressed and distressed.”

Similarly, be mindful of how you are talking about your ex to others when the kids are listening. Tempting as it can be to vent to friends about things like your financial settlement or child support arrangements, don’t let you children overhear you doing it. “Children are very sensitive to those things, but they don’t necessarily understand them yet, so they often jump to the wrong conclusions,” says Janis-Norton.

Don’t play favourites

When tensions are running high between you and your ex, it’s natural to want to be the ‘favourite parent’. Keep things as consistent as you can when it comes to parenting, but try not to openly criticise the other parent’s way of doing things in front of the kids.

 “It’s tempting to roll your eyes when your child tells you that Mummy let them stay up until 10pm to watch TV” says Janis-Norton. “Instead of showing disapproval of the other parent, acknowledge that Mummy and Daddy disagree on that. Stay with the conclusion that Mummy and Daddy prefer to do some things differently.”

Building a new normal

Christine Lewandowski, Director of Single with Kids talks about the importance of building new routines post-divorce to help children adjust to their ‘new normal’.  “New traditions and routines can build a comfortable framework during this transition period, and spending quality time with the children is essential,” she says.

As a parent, remember that your wellbeing is important too, and directly impacts the wellbeing of your child. Once you and the kids can start to settle into a normal routine again, it’s important to invest in some self-care. “Kids are like emotional sponges,” says Lewandowski. “they soak up the emotions of the parent. If one parent is desperately unhappy, the child is hurt.”

Your children should feel that both their parents’ places are home, so take care with the language you use around this. “If you have decided on dual custody, avoid language like ‘when you visit or see daddy’, as this implies that one home is more important than the other,” says Noël Janis-Norton.

Contributors

Noël Janis-Norton is a learning and behaviour specialist, parenting author, speaker, coach, and the Director of Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, working with families and schools. She’s currently working on two new books about divorce and blended family structures: Calmer, Easier, Happier Separation and Divorce and Calmer, Easier, Happier Blended Families.

Liat Hughes Joshi is a parenting journalist and author of five books, including 5-Minute Parenting Fixes and Raising Children: The Primary Years.

Christine (Chrissie) Lewandowski is the Director of Single with Kids, an organisation that offers holidays for single parents, abroad and in the UK.