Netflix and No Chill: Learning to Date Again After COVID
The pandemic descended on us like a meteor, incinerating our sense of normalcy. Thrust into a global timeout, we had to press pause on life as we knew it. Why does dating feel different now, and what can we do to reignite our love lives?
For many, it felt like having to wear a tight and scratchy sweater gifted by that judgey relative with a Scrooge McDuck-like aversion to gift exchanges and returns. Practicality wrapped in pressure. Wear it or deal with their drama. Social distancing and sheltering-in-place offered a crucial measure of safety but, like the physical and emotional scars from the skin-chafing sweater and the chastising we’d get if we didn’t wear it, it also left behind lingering threads of loneliness and trauma – unwanted accessories to a gift we couldn’t return.
Solitude’s Unwanted Souvenirs
Some welcomed the slower pace and space for self-reflection. Others felt trapped in a real-life horror movie where they had to constantly outsmart a microscopic villain.
Social Isolation’s Impact on Mental Health
It taught many of us that trauma is not limited to surviving a serious illness, violence, loss of loved ones, or a natural disaster. Consistently not having good things happen to you can cause trauma. Having to view the world as an unsafe place, where fear and helplessness become your default settings, can cause trauma.
Our Brains on the Pandemic
The collective stress cooker we call COVID put us through a happy brain chemical deprivation experiment, dismantled our social structures, and left behind a chaotic landscape where we’re still learning to navigate the wreckage.
A Legacy of Loneliness
Alone with our thoughts and all those cat videos, we started to resemble houseplants left in the dark – no longer thriving, just surviving. Our social skills started to wilt. Many of us still feel like ferns trying to remember how to photosynthesize in the sunlight of direct human contact.
The Pandemic’s Emotional Toll
If you think of the brain as a finely tuned orchestra and its happy chemicals, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins, as the section leaders, then the pandemic was like locking them in separate soundproof rooms. The harmonious symphony of emotions, motivations, and thoughts once orchestrated by these neurochemical maestros, faded into an eerie silence. Without enough social stimulation, those chemicals went from virtuoso performers to amateur karaoke singers who couldn’t carry a tune. Once filled with passion and flair, everything began to sound like a cacophony of missed cues and flat notes.
Dopamine, the motivation maestro, keeps you energized and focused on your goals. This one tanked when we couldn’t socialize or achieve meaningful goals. Oxytocin, our social glue and the gentle nudges that make us reach out, connect, and care, dried up like one of those forgotten houseplants. Serotonin, a mood booster produced in the gut that influences libido, sleep, appetite, and digestion, went MIA under all that stress. Endorphins, our natural pain and stress relievers that help buffer depression and boost dopamine levels, dwindled without enough laughter and physical activity. If it felt like a zombie apocalypse in your brain, the chemical chaos may be the culprit that turned your world into a gloomy, perpetual Groundhog’s Day, and your relationships into minefields set off by low motivation, short fuses, and trust issues.
Why Does Dating Feel Like a Chore?
If the prospect of putting yourself out there still feels as enticing as that dental work you’ve been putting off, this could be why: the pandemic years denied us an essential coping strategy – organic and consistent social support. The kind that’s simmered slowly over shared experiences, touch, tears, and laughter, like a rich, fortifying stew. While virtual contact is our salvation, it doesn’t stimulate the release of oxytocin, which we need to truly bond and build trust.
Anxiety and Low Motivation in Dating
With our daily movements restricted and our social lives transformed from lifelines to life-or-death risk assessments, it left many languishing in cycles of loneliness, anxiety, depression, and irritability more vicious than a hangry cat. Hardly conditions under which our bodies can crank out enough happy chemicals to quickly get our grooves back. It’s a painful paradox where the loneliness that increases our need for connection also heightens our sensitivity to potential rejection, making us more likely to misinterpret social cues, withdraw, and approach relationships with a chip on our shoulders; a self-reinforcing cycle that makes forming and maintaining relationships feel like trying to dance while our feet are tangled in our own protective nets.
Social Isolation and Dating Fatigue
But hanging out and building bonds act like a LifeSavers candy dispenser for your brain. Face-to-face smiles, chats, and hugs create bursts of dopamine and oxytocin (the candy), which amp up your desire to interact more (drop more coins). But COVID gummed up the coin slot and cut off those vital supplies (fewer candies), making us less motivated to try again (fewer coins dropped). It’s like being stuck in a never-ending bad day loop. The less chances we get to connect, the less we feel like doing it. You know that feeling when you eat something tasteless and soggy that kills your appetite for the rest of the day? It’s kind of like that but with people instead of food (metaphorically speaking, of course).
Hidden Impacts on Our Dating Psychology
As houseplants don’t consciously decide to wilt, our pandemic-altered brains haven’t deliberately sabotaged our connections. That chemical orchestra in our heads unconsciously plays from different sheet music – one written in the key of caution and self-preservation. When someone is slow to respond or seems to fade away after promising early messages, they’re likely caught up in their own struggles, not purposefully trying to hurt anyone.
If our brains were once masterful social butterflies, they’ve spent years in a chrysalis of isolation. Now that we’re emerging, our wings are still uncertain. Someone who seemed enthusiastic but then grew distant? Their dopamine system might be like a rusty engine, struggling to maintain the motivation to pursue connection. The match who opened up beautifully in messages but became overwhelmed at the prospect of meeting? Their oxytocin circuit could be like a dimmer switch stuck at low, making emotional vulnerability feel as daunting as stepping onto a tightrope without a net.
When we recognize these unconscious barriers, we can start seeing fleeting connections and ghosting through a lens of shared human struggles more than personal rejection. That match who disappeared might be battling their own neurochemical mutiny—serotonin whispering anxious what-ifs, while depleted endorphins make every potential disappointment feel like a catastrophe. They’re not necessarily commitment phobes or players; they might be fellow ferns, still learning how to unfurl their leaves in the almost-forgotten sunshine of possibility.
Extending grace to others’ invisible struggles helps heal our own. When we choose to believe in someone else’s good intentions, we’re reducing our own suffering by not carrying the extra weight of assumed rejection or intentional hurt. After all, we’re all part of the same recovery concert, trying to help our internal orchestras remember how to play in harmony again.
The Antidote to the Dating Blues: Baby Steps
The good news is you don’t have to kiss your comfort zone goodbye to get a new lease on your love life. Tiny tweaks and small risks yield big results.
Small Steps to Rebuild Social Confidence
To get more happiness chemicals pumping and improve your dating prospects, start small with a few things you know and love:
- Can you commit to a weekly meetup or video call with someone who makes you laugh?
- Need better Zzzs? Prioritize good, consistent sleep. Poor sleep can short-circuit feelings of hope, optimism, and gratitude, and raise our grouchiness factor. Start to wind down 90 minutes before bedtime with journaling, easy yoga, or a very warm shower or bath to ease stress, promote relaxation, and release some feel-good endorphins and serotonin.
- Fallen out of the habit of catching some rays (another way to boost stress-busting endorphins)? Try using a bright light therapy device for 30 minutes each morning before 8 A.M. that delivers 10,000 lux.
- If COVID turned your diet into a processed food party, it’s time to stage a tasty nutritional intervention. Neurotransmitters aren’t sold in bottles and can’t be produced without enough nutrients. Regularly eating a variety of minimally processed foods including complex carbs, beans, fresh fruits and veggies, fermented foods, and dark chocolate, is key if you want to boost your mood.
Restoring Routine and Self-Care
Remember, healing takes time and consistency. Be patient with yourself and celebrate each small win. Your quality of life will improve When you prioritize your well-being, and that will set the stage for successful dating.
You don’t have to tackle this journey alone. Share your struggles with someone trustworthy who can help you embrace a healthier perspective and encourage you to take empowered action. I’m here to help, too. Let’s work together to rediscover your confidence and create the love life you desire. Schedule your free Connection Call here.

Written by: Sara-Ann Rosen
Sara-Ann Rosen is a dating and relationship coach dedicated to helping ambitious women-identifying singles overcome disappointment fatigue and enjoy dating again. She combines her backgrounds in counseling, law, mindfulness, the performing arts, and astrology to offer a unique, interdisciplinary approach to relationship coaching. An intersectional feminist, LGBTQIA+, and BLM ally committed to learning anti-racism, Sara-Ann brings compassion, critical thinking, and intuitive creativity to her work.
Sara-Ann holds a Master of Arts degree in Human Development Counseling (Marriage, Couple, and Family Track) from the University of Illinois, a Juris Doctor degree from New York Law School, completed the Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy Program from the University of Massachusetts, is a Certified Astrologer through The Real Astrology Academy, and is pursuing certification in Functional Imagery Training from the University of Plymouth, UK. https://settling-up.com | [email protected]
References:
Benazzo, M., and Benazzo, Z. Science & Nonduality. (2021). The wisdom of trauma.
Blade, R. (2020, November 23). The Psychological toll of the pandemic: What isolation does to the brain. Think Global Health. https://www.thinkglobalhealth.org/article/psychological-toll-pandemic-what-isolation-does-brain
González-Monroy, C., Gómez-Gómez, I., Olarte-Sánchez, C. M., & Motrico, E. (2021). Eating Behaviour Changes during the COVID-19 Pandemic: A Systematic Review of Longitudinal Studies. International journal of environmental research and public health, 18(21), 11130.
Lonsdorf, K. (2022, April 7). People are developing trauma-like symptoms as the pandemic wears on. NPR. People are developing trauma-like symptoms as the pandemic wears on
Image by Tatyana Kazakova from Pixabay