As it’s Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week, I felt maybe now was the right time to come forward and share my own personal experiences. Something that I have never spoken about openly in the public eye before.
I guess turning 40 last month, along with so many other factors that have occurred over the past few months, I felt that it was time to say something.
We live in a society, where no matter what we do, how we act or what we say, we are always going to be judged.
Being an Asian woman growing up in the 90s, we didn’t talk much, if not at all about issues such as sexual abuse, mental health or addiction.
It was swept under the carpet and you just simply carried on with day-to-day life.
I realize now that by staying silent and not seeking help or speaking out, it has had a profoundly effect on my life as a whole. Every single aspect of my life has been clouded by being a victim, yes, a VICTIM of sexual assault in my mid-twenties. Something I have never spoken about. Until now.
There’s been a deep root of anger within, that I have carried with a heavy heart for the best past of 15 years. Feeling shame and blaming myself for putting myself in such a situation. Protecting those around me, very much how I did with my addiction issues.
I realize now by doing so, it has destroyed so many past. Potential and current relationships on a personal and professional level over the years because feeling suffocated led to more alcohol consumption, which then resulted to that burning anger coming out.
When you constantly get told you got anger issues, your alcohol is still an issue, you are not professional, I won’t deny, it does hurt me. Because I know where the issue stems from but every time, I went to open my mouth, nothing would come out.
It especially hurts when it comes from people that I did go out of my way to help, support and work hard for.
It’s not nice knowing that you are in pain and particular individuals are discussing my issues. The very same people that don’t like it being done to them.
How can one explain themselves, when they are constantly being judged? You get tired of hearing sorry. I get that. But did some of you ever think, that maybe without intentionally meaning to do so, that you have caused triggers to surface within me that have then resulted in me acting the way I have. Under no circumstances am I not taking responsibility. Whatever we’ve been through in life, it doesn’t warrant treating people badly.
But it also doesn’t warrant certain men to use other women, especially when their relationships are not going so well or to be quite frank, they are bored. It’s not nice to be that woman too, knowing deep down, they don’t really care about you, you are just there for them to pass time, although engaging with someone that is taken, isn’t the right thing at all to do by myself or anyone. Issue is that when you’ve suffered at the hands of sexual abuse, you search for love and care from whoever will show it to you. And that’s what hurts the most when you’ve been through a horrific experience, you feel foolish to ever have thought that person genuinely cared for you, the way I cared for him and that’s me being honest. I care deeply for people; it might not come across that way because openly showing it has always been difficult for me.
When you go through something like this, you feel unworthy, you place blame on yourself, it was my fault, I led that person on.
I still feel unworthy of love now. It’s probably why I push men away. Because I feel incapable of loving anyone. How can you love someone, when you don’t even love yourself.
If I had spoken to someone about this, if I had reached out to anyone that was willing to listen, it would have saved me a whole decade of hurt and despair.
It’s why the No Means No campaign is so important to me.
Men – you need to do better too. Don’t stand still and allow your friends to treat women in such a way. Speak for us and we will speak for you.
I urge anyone – Male or Female to not remain quiet. Break the silence. Boldly and bravely, speak your truth.
