“This might be TMI, but she came over, and things got physical.” This is what my client said to me after working together for six months. “TMI?” I responded, “This is therapy. You can say whatever you want.”
Sex is a topic that makes many uncomfortable, yet it’s an integral part of the human experience. From its historical roots in women’s oppression to the influence of religion on sexual expression, the discourse surrounding sex remains a challenge for many.
Yet, if the sacred confines of therapy fail to provide a sanctuary for candid discussions on sex, where else can such conversations thrive… much less even happen?
As a counselor navigating the intricacies of intimacy with both men and women, I have borne witness to the profound impact of societal conditioning on individuals’ perceptions of sexual agency and expression. Most of my clients admit that their parents never talked to them about sex or consent. When I ask women of their relationship to sex and intimacy, many of their responses exude hints of shame, privacy, and guilt for wanting to express themselves. I had been working with a client for three years before she finally felt comfortable to discuss her sex life between herself and her partner with me. How did we get here?
History always matters. We know that women have faced significant obstacles in their sexual autonomy and expression. From the ancient world to the modern era, societies have been influenced by patriarchal norms that dictate women’s roles and behaviors, including those relating to sexuality. In many cultures, women were expected to remain chaste until marriage, with their virginity often seen as a commodity to be traded or preserved. While many of these norms and beliefs are still widely held today, any millennial or gen Z living in a major U.S. city can choose to have a different experience. History always matters, but we also need to live in the year we are living in (Bill Maher, Personal Interview. 9 August 2023).
Religion, too, bears culpability in perpetuating sexual shame and inhibiting discourse about sexual desires. Across different faiths, doctrines often espouse abstinence, modesty, and strict gender roles, further entrenching the perception that sex is taboo. During my formative years in a small, rural town in western Pennsylvania, my catholic school never taught how to have healthy conservations around sex, consent, protection, or birth control. I was frequently sent to the principal’s office because my skirt was an inch shorter than the top of my knee. Growing up until I was eighteen, my father used to hand me 50-dollar bills during dinner if I told him I was still a virgin. I found out what a penis was when my friend, who was a year older than me, made a joke about a hot dog.
The consequences of this conditioning produce adults that are confused, guilty, and anxious around one’s own sexuality. We’re told sex is risky, shameful, and slutty, yet research shows that couples who have greater emotional and sexual intimacy are more positively correlated with relationship satisfaction, as posited by Yoo, Bartle-Haring, & Gangamma in 2014. So why are we setting our society up for relationship failure, when our most important interpersonal relationship in our modern lives is with our partners?
Echoing the research by Hawkins, Cornwall, and Lewin (2011) in their Pathways Policy paper, women need control over their bodies. They need to be able to assert their right to physical autonomy and protection from abuse and to realize sexual rights, such as the right to a safe and satisfying sex life. If they do not have this, women have limited scope for making claims in other areas of their lives, too.
Thus, sexual empowerment represents even more than sex. This is about expressing oneself in a way that is so empowering, so releasing, that it bleeds into other areas of life. Perhaps women who aren’t afraid to request what they need in the bedroom are also not afraid to request what they need in their jobs.
The antidote to this reticence is obvious: we need to have open, clear, and shameless conversations about a very imperative human activity. Conversations are as weird as we make them, and we have done a really good job at making these conversations weird. I watch my clients sweat and squirm when I ask these personal questions, and at the end of session, they almost always thank me for being one of the only people in their lives to go there.
So, let’s go there more often. Let’s raise our boys to understand women’s sensuality instead of letting them learn about sex through shitty porn. Let’s raise our girls to say no and yes, firmly and confidently, and give people the freedom to appreciate one of the greatest human pleasures.
Written By: Dr. Kelsey George, PhD, LPC
Dr. Kelsey George is a licensed professional counselor, holding licenses both in Pennsylvania and Colorado. She is currently an affiliate faculty at Regis University in Denver, Colorado, and a certified yoga teacher.
Instagram: @drkelseygeorge
Website: mytherapistkelsey.com
