Do you feel self-care is failing you? Or you’re doing self-care wrong? Do you exercise, eat well, meditate, or engage in some other spiritual practice? And do you still feel one or more of these ways?

• not good enough
• frustrated
• stuck
• discouraged

If you’re doing all the right things but are falling into old harmful patterns, then it’s time to re-examine how you think about self-care.

Motivation for Self-Care

“Why am I doing all this? And for whom am I doing this?”

The first question gets at your value system. We all have one, but we’re not always clear about it, and when we act out of alignment with it, we feel inauthentic.

The second question gets at our sense of self in relation to others. Too often, we look at and judge ourselves through others’ eyes rather than our own.

Take exercise for example. Why do you exercise? Is it to feel good, be stronger, and be healthier? Or do you feel you have to look a certain way in order to be worthy? How much do you compare yourself unfavorably to others whose ‘self-care’ makes them appear perfect?

What relationship do you have to yourself? Do you treat yourself as a problem to be solved or as an improvement project?

A client of mine, for instance, loves to bike ride but compares her fitness level to stronger and faster riders. Because she can’t keep up, her enjoyment of biking is compromised by her sense of unworthiness.  The activity isn’t the problem. It is her relationship to herself defined by her never measuring up. Biking as a form of self-care for her starts from a place of lack rather than love. No activity, no matter how healthy or spiritual it may seem, is really self-care when it originates from a place of lack.

What is a place of lack? It’s the basic belief that you aren’t good enough or worthy of love.

Bypassing

Do you engage in self-care to get rid of distressing emotion? Many of us meditate with the goal of having more calm, peace, bliss, and happiness in our life. There is nothing wrong with this motivation. However, we often mistakenly think the way to achieve these goals is to avoid uncomfortable experiences. That’s bypassing. When we experience discomfort, we can feel like we’re failing at meditation. This common misconception about meditation can hijack our efforts and actually make us feel worse. All too often, we try to ‘manage’ what we don’t like about ourselves. This never works. When you fight with yourself, you always lose, and what you resist persists.

For example, one of my new clients has a regular self-care practice that includes yoga and healthy eating. But because she’s in a constant struggle with herself over her weight and body image, every few weeks she feels the need to say, “the hell with this” and falls off her regimen for a day or two. Afterwards she feels terrible and has to work hard to get back into her healthy pattern. Her basic belief is that she isn’t worthy of love as she is. Her motivation to eat well and exercise is based more on a strong fear of judgment than a desire for wellness. She is afraid that she will be seen as  “too fat” with a “disgusting body” and will be shamed and humiliated. Her efforts to take care of herself are undermined by the basic belief that she isn’t good enough—not fit enough, not thin enough, not attractive enough. Again, her motivation comes from a sense of lack rather than love.

When we practice self-care from a place of self-aggression, we are headed for burnout. In the end, no matter how positive the activity, self-care turns into self-harm.

The Missing Ingredient in Self-Care

Self-inquiry is essential to self-care. The following guiding questions will help align you with your values, so your self-care is truly self-care:

What really matters to me?
Am I living a life true to myself or according to what I think others want?
When I practice taking care of myself, what is my purpose in doing so?

Reflect deeply on these questions and give yourself space to explore whatever comes up. This is a dialogue with yourself. It’s important to express your thoughts in some concrete form. Just thinking about it isn’t enough and can keep you stuck in the same old thought patterns. Here are two ways to do this:

Journaling

I recommend writing by hand. The physical process of this has been shown to be highly effective. Write freely and without concern for the quality of your writing. This is just for you.

Recording your thoughts as you speak them aloud

Giving voice to your thoughts will facilitate the process of exploration and discovery.

Exploring these questions points us in the direction of living a more authentic life. This is the heart of self-care.

About the Author

Dani Dunckley, MA, RYT, is a True Fulfillment Self Care Coach. She helps women in service based professions who put everyone else’s needs ahead of their own commitment to their self care so that they can make a significant and sustainable difference in the world without sacrificing themselves and while living a life they love. For more info visit https://danidunckley.coach/