I was surprised to hear classical dancer Akram Khan chose, as one of his Desert Island Discs, a recording of a homeless man singing a religious song. However it made sense when Khan explained that there is a huge focus on perfection in the classical music and dance world. Hearing the homeless man’s song he appreciated the power of imperfection. Khan said: “He doesn’t sing in perfect tune, but there’s a truth. His words have weight because he’s living it, he’s lived it. And it’s coming from a very deep place.”
Many people who come to therapy are burdened with inner expectations that they should be perfect or meet certain standards. Often these kind of messages, and these inner standards, are absorbed in childhood from parents or parental figures. Though this can cause problems. If we are so attached to the need to be perfect (or very accomplished) in what we do, we can become paralysed and not try new things. Frequently for these kinds of people there is a fear of being seen to make mistakes. It is as if they live their life with an unseen audience, constantly commenting on their failures.
Swiss psychotherapist Alice Miller identifies this perfectionism as a defence against deeper feelings of unworthiness. In her famous book, The Drama of Being a Child, Miller describes this perfectionism as grandiosity, arguing that a person whose feelings were not truly valued as a child can seek esteem by achievements and admiration. “The person who is ‘grandiose’ is admired everywhere and needs this admiration; indeed he cannot live without it. He must excel in everything he undertakes.” If he fails, “the catastrophe of a severe depression is imminent.”
I think this message is relevant to all our lives – can we allow ourselves to make mistakes, to be imperfect? After all, there is very little personal growth or development without mistakes. The risk is that if we try to maintain our image too tightly, we avoid situations that are out of our comfort zone.
In a sense, it is in our imperfections that our humanity lies because when we allow ourselves to be imperfect we show vulnerability. What Akram Khan admired in that homeless man’s singing was nothing to do with technical achievement, rather the connection with another human being’s deeper feelings and experience.
Written by Patrick McCurry. Patrick offers counselling in Eastbourne and in East London. Please visit www.patrickmccurrycounselling.co.uk for more information
