There is a perception that everyone is talking about menopause, TV, papers, magazines and social media. While there is definitely a heightened interest, it is still a subject that many of us find difficult to talk about, even with our partner.
Unfortunately, we have decades of negative messaging around menopause and women over the age of 40 in general. If you cast your mind back to your childhood and younger years, none of the TV and radio representations of women in this phase of life were complementary. We were depicted as difficult, old and usually A-sexual. Most fear that declaring menopause will make the person on the other side of the bed recoil in horror.
The main issue for heterosexual couples is that most men have been excluded from conversations around female reproductive life from childhood through to those first sex education classes to now. It’s not easy for women either, as most didn’t have a mother that talked to them about it. Added to this there is the fact that no two people will experience menopause in the same way, it is as unique as our fingerprint. This level of variability is often the reason why same sex couples can find it difficult as well. Basically, we don’t know what we don’t know.
The likelihood is that our partner is watching us struggle with our symptoms unsure what’s going on or how to help us. Add to this the fact that many symptoms can make us difficult people to be with and our relationships can become tinder boxes, ready to explode at any moment.
The first steps to managing the situation needs to come from you, then it is about both of you together, learning and adapting as you go.
Step 1 – What’s going on
It can take people many years to understand that they are peri-menopausal or menopausal, unless you have had a medical menopause due to treatment for things like endometriosis, cancer or gender transition. If you are the former and starting to wonder if this is you, take a look at the list of symptoms of which there are over 40, noting those you are experiencing. Creating a map of your experience will help you to identify whether or not you are menopausal, at the very least it will give you the information you need to have a discussion with your doctor. More importantly though it will enable you to start the conversation between you and your partner.
Step 2 – Get ready to talk
In my experience most partners are relieved to be told what’s going on. It can be very scary watching the person you love morphing into a different person altogether and back again in a matter of moments and not understand why. The complexity here is that we often fall into the trap of expecting them to osmotically understand what’s going on and what they should do. This is both unreasonable and unfair.
The key to ensuring your conversation goes well is to prepare. Prepare what you are going to say, and how and where you are going to say it. Having a list of your symptoms will give you the opportunity to tell them what’s going on. Remember this is a conversation neither of you have been prepared for, you are both on unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory. Because of this pick a place where you can talk together without interruption, maybe a café or grab a coffee and go for a walk.
Step 3, 4, 5, 6 … Talking
Talking is really where this starts, continues and never ends.
Because menopause and all the associated symptoms go on for years, changing and developing as it goes, you will need to talk about it again and again. Many find the first conversation one of the trickiest, closely followed by those around intimacy. Successful conversations give both of you the opportunity to say how this is affecting you and possibly the bond between you. Being open allows you both the opportunity to think things through and find solutions together.
If you are asking for support it is important that it is reasonable and achievable many times a day. If your partner has to metaphorically complete an assault course, they will very quickly become tired and give up. Support needs to easily done and readily received, this way you feel as though your partner is there for you and they feel like they are valued for their contribution.
This loop of talking and support where needed, not only helps you manage your menopause, it also ensures you grow and develop together and nurture your relationship, which after all is what most us want.
Lastly, talking opens up the chance to plan future interests and adventures. Menopause is taking you into a phase of life where this becomes more important than ever before. There are no quick work arounds in menopause or relationships, you are in this for the long haul, so focus on making it fun together.
About
Kate Usher is an experienced Menopause Coach and gender equity consultant. She works with women and organisations to create simple strategies that enable modern and supportive Menopause conversations. Ensuring women retain their careers and organisations continue to benefit from some of their most brilliant employees.
She is an internationally published author, her book ‘Your Second Phase – reclaiming work and relationships during and after Menopause’ was shortlisted for the Business Book of the Year Award.
