The three life-changing questions to ask yourself when you’re struggling with your mental health

World Mental Health Day, on 10 October, offered something we can easily overlook in our busy lives: a reason to pause. Although we should all care for our physical and mental health throughout the year, a dedicated day can be a powerful way to interrupt the rush and remind us to check in with ourselves and with others.

Too often when we’re seeking to check-in we just go with the familiar “How are you?” which we often ask this at the beginning of conversations and to which the usual answer is “Fine, thanks”. Rather than just respond with a superficial platitude, here’s how we can conduct a more meaningful check-in, applying honesty and curiosity about how we feel and how we are living.

Look beneath the label

Greater openness about mental health matters. Yet “mental health” has become such a frequently used phrase that it can sometimes obscure the experience we are trying to describe.

“My mental health is suffering” may be an important starting point. But what sits underneath it? Am I exhausted by overwork? Anxious about money? Stressed by expectations I cannot meet? Lonely despite being surrounded by people?

We will not always find a single cause, or an immediate answer. Nevertheless, naming what we notice gives us somewhere to begin. Recognising exhaustion might prompt a conversation about workload. Acknowledging loneliness might encourage us to reconnect. Understanding the experience helps us consider the support or change we need.

Make resilience a daily practice

For me, what underpins looking after our mental and physical health is resilience. I’m sure everyone reading this has at some point been told that they need to be more resilient, but too often that advice is shared without substance or advice on how to do it. 

Strengthening our resilience is best approached as a practice we return to every day, rather than a skill we acquire once and possess forever. It involves noticing what sustains us, recognising what drains us and adjusting how we respond. Based on years of experience in supporting others, I believe that the two foundations of that practice are Self-Care and Self-Talk.

Self-Care means looking after ourselves as living organisms. Sleep, nourishing food, movement and time away from demands help sustain our physical and mental energy. These needs deserve space in our lives, enabled by disciplined routines before we reach exhaustion.

Self-Talk focuses on the stories we carry about ourselves. “I must never disappoint anyone” or “I’m only valued if I’m dependable” or “I’m a perfectionist” can make it difficult to rest or ask for help. A more supportive story might be: “I can care about others while respecting my limits.”

Going deeper still, the strength of our ability to build healthy habits focused on Self-Care and Self-Talk lies in developing an honest, compassionate relationship with ourselves. Three questions can help us begin.

1. Who am I?

Look beyond your job title, responsibilities and other people’s expectations. What matters to you? Which qualities do you value in yourself? When do you feel most like yourself?

If your identity rests entirely on being useful, successful or needed, setbacks can feel like judgements on your whole worth. Remembering that you are also a friend, a learner, a creative person or someone who values kindness can offer a broader perspective.

To consider this, why not try writing down three qualities you want to express, regardless of what you achieve today.

2. Why am I here?

This question invites you to explore meaning. It does not require a grand mission or a perfectly articulated life purpose.

What makes your days feel worthwhile? Caring for family, helping someone, creating something or contributing to your community may all matter.

Consider whether your current commitments leave room for these sources of meaning. If your diary is full but your life feels empty, that gap deserves attention. Choose one meaningful activity and make space for it this week.

3. How will I live?

Bring your reflections into everyday choices. How will you protect your energy? What boundaries do you need? How will you speak to yourself when things go wrong?

Choose one manageable action: take a proper lunch break, finish work at an agreed time or replace a harsh internal judgement with a fairer response. Resilience grows through returning to these choices, including after difficult days.

Let the reminder last

You shouldn’t just check in on your mental health during set days of the year. Instead, look to conduct regular, thoughtful conversations with yourself and others. Ask, listen and leave room for an honest answer, without rushing to fix everything.

Being the best version of ourselves includes recognising our needs, accepting support and allowing ourselves to be human. The value of these three questions lies in how often we return to them as our lives inevitably change.

Rob Cross is the author of Ask 3 Questions: How to Live Well in a Distracted World, the founder of the Ask 3 Questions Club (launching 2027) and an experienced leadership development coach who works with senior leaders and organisations to build high performance through clarity, purpose and effective leadership.