Despite much of the openness in our society, death is still a subject that feels like treading on egg shells. We think that it’s easy to fuel fears, offend and stir up things our relatives would prefer not to remember or face. If we have not considered our own feelings about death, we might feel awkward about saying the ‘right’ thing.

A recent death in our complex family prompted many discussions. When close family are grieving and processing official notifications, thinking through and financing a funeral can be quite a burden. We all know we are supposed to have made wills, set up powers of attorney and provided for our funerals, but how many of us have actually got round to this? Would it make a difference to think of this as a gift of compassion to our loved ones? Perhaps it might also make a difference to know information is readily available and you do not always need the expense of a solicitor. In fact, organising this recent funeral highlighted the businesses involved in death and how easy it is to assume you need to go down the predetermined path ‘the professionals’ present to you.

The natural death movement (which has parallels with natural birth) is all about taking back ownership. We have the choice whether or not to involve a funeral director, to prepare the body ourselves, to take a religious perspective, hire a Celebrant or have our relative’s body at home. In our research, we came across many myths and scare stories however, speaking to the experts at the mortuary and burial ground, we were encouraged and supported. We found deep appreciation for those who work behind the scenes doing great work that is rarely seen or appreciated; they could not have been more helpful.

An independent funeral may or may not be your preference, but the point is that we have a choice. And if we don’t choose, a choice will be made for us. You might say that really isn’t your concern as you won’t be around to experience your funeral though another message, brought home by our recent experiences, was of the potential the ceremony has for bringing families together and healing. This is part of your legacy.

For us, the practical involvement of the family was a deeply transformative experience: the sons from two different marriages carrying the body and co-ordinating lowering it into the ground; all those who wanted to being invited to speak at the graveside; and the physical work of filling the grave, as well as being able to choose the religious focus. For others transporting the body in a camper van or by motor bike gives an appropriate send off. Or maybe being buried in your favourite spot in the garden would give comfort. The more personal for you and your family, the better. Since this event, we have had several conversations with family members that have deepened our relationships. Most are relieved to be able to share their funeral ideas whilst they are fully alert. Deciding who will be responsible for your affairs may bring family tensions to a head, and it is useful to have support within and outside the family.

I work with clients to untangle and resolve a range of family relationship problems and the process is usually much less challenging and painful than you anticipate. If you have these family tensions, they will probably be on your mind during the festive season. Take this opportunity to seek resolution and get talking now before things fester or it’s too late.

I’m learning that the main message of death is – don’t delay, live life to the full and express all the love we feel. Whatever our beliefs we don’t absolutely know what’s next so why not experience all the joy you want whilst you’re here?

For resources to help with your family discussions see www.soulsanook.com/death
SoulSanook Life Coaching

Written by Debbie Reeds