There’s a common idea that when we become adults we must be independent and rational. We must not behave ‘childishly’ by needing others too much or being too emotional. But how nice it would be, as adults, if we were able to receive the empathy that many children get!
If a child is extremely anxious about something, such as not having friends at school, his parents will probably try and comfort or reassure him. They may empathise with his anxiety, perhaps telling him that they too sometimes felt anxious about school when they were children. Then they might give him some practical tips on making friends and on handling his feelings. As a result, the child will feel understood and supported, more able to take on the challenge of school.
But what if one of the parents feels distressed or afraid about an event in their life and their partner regards the fear as ‘childish’ or ‘irrational’? It’s quite probable that the non-distressed partner will respond with a ‘pull yourself together!’ rather than offering empathy. They may follow it up with a, ‘why are you being so childish?’ comment.
Psychotherapist Heinz Kohut argued that the needs we have as children do not suddenly disappear when we become adults. He was challenging the then view in psychotherapy that well-adjusted adults were independent, self-reliant and could get along without others if they needed to.
Kohut defined these needs as:
- the need to be mirrored: children need to be shown by adults that they are worthwhile and valued. This happens not through what adults say but through subtle cues, such as facial expression, tone of voice and attention. When the child feels this positive attention he or she grows up feeling secure and loved.
- the need to idealise: if the child experiences at least one parent as calm, confident and powerful then he or she has someone to turn to when the world feels overwhelming. Over time the child absorbs, or ‘internalises’, this influence and so is able to soothe themselves when things are difficult.
- the need to be like others: children need to know that they belong and are not too different from others or that they don’t fit in.
Kohut’s important argument was that these needs continue throughout our lives and that, at various times, we need to feel support and empathy from those closest to us.
words: Patrick McCurry
07891 295649
East Sussex
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