Talking About Death: Why Planning Ahead Can Be a Gift to the People You Love

Death remains one of the few subjects many of us find genuinely difficult to talk about. We discuss our health, relationships, finances and plans for the future, yet conversations about what we would like to happen at the end of our lives can still feel uncomfortable or even somehow inappropriate.

But perhaps there is another way to look at it. Talking about death does not have to be morbid. Making your wishes known, putting important documents in order and discussing the kind of funeral or farewell you would like can be an act of care for the people you leave behind.

When someone dies, those closest to them are often grieving while simultaneously dealing with paperwork, official notifications, financial decisions and funeral arrangements. Knowing what that person wanted can remove some of the uncertainty at an already difficult time.

Why talking about death matters

Many families avoid conversations about death because they worry about upsetting one another. Yet talking openly while everyone is well can make future decisions considerably easier.

Questions do not have to be complicated. Would you prefer burial or cremation? Would you want a religious, humanist or non-religious ceremony? Is there music you would particularly like? Would you want a traditional funeral, a natural burial, a small family gathering or something completely different?

These conversations can also extend beyond the funeral itself. Where is your will kept? Who would you trust to deal with your affairs? Have you considered what would happen if illness or an accident left you unable to make certain decisions yourself?

In England and Wales, a lasting power of attorney can allow someone you choose to make particular decisions relating to your health and welfare or property and financial affairs, depending on the type of LPA you make. It must be arranged while you have the mental capacity to make that choice.

Making a will

A will determines what happens to your money, property and possessions after your death and allows you to appoint executors to administer your estate.

It is possible to write your own will in the UK, although there are specific requirements for it to be legally valid and professional advice can be particularly important when your circumstances are complicated.

Examples might include blended families, overseas property, businesses, unmarried partners or relatives who may potentially make a claim against the estate.

Making a will therefore isn't simply something to consider later in life. It is part of putting your affairs in order and making your intentions clearer for the people around you.

You have more choice over a funeral than you might realise

One of the most valuable messages in the original version of this article was that families can have considerably more choice around funerals than they sometimes realise.

A funeral director can provide invaluable practical and emotional support, and for many families this will remain the preferred option. However, using one is not compulsory in the UK. Government guidance confirms that families can choose to arrange a funeral themselves, with local councils able to provide information about burial plots, crematorium services and associated costs.

There are also many possibilities between a completely family-arranged funeral and handing every decision to a funeral company.

Families may want to participate in caring for the person who has died, choose an unusual form of transport, select a natural burial ground, create their own ceremony or incorporate particular music, readings, beliefs and traditions.

A funeral can be religious, non-religious or somewhere in between. A celebrant, faith leader, family member or friend might lead the ceremony. What matters is finding an approach that feels appropriate for the person who has died and those saying goodbye.

What is a natural or family-led funeral?

The natural death movement has encouraged people to become more involved in what happens after someone dies, in much the same way that the natural birth movement encouraged greater choice and involvement around childbirth.

For some families, this may mean using an independent funeral director who supports greater family participation. Others may want to care for the body at home for a period, organise parts of the funeral themselves or choose a natural burial.

None of these choices is inherently better than a conventional funeral. The important point is knowing that choices exist.

There are, of course, legal and practical requirements following a death, and circumstances involving a coroner can affect what happens and when. Anyone considering a family-led funeral should seek current advice from their local authority and appropriate professionals rather than assuming that every option will be possible in every situation.

Funeral costs and knowing what you are paying for

Cost is another reason to discuss funeral wishes in advance.

When somebody is grieving, comparing services and questioning prices may be the last thing they feel able to do. However, funeral directors are required to display standardised price information, making it easier for families to understand and compare the costs of core services.

There may also be financial help available in certain circumstances. The UK government's Funeral Expenses Payment, for example, can contribute towards some funeral costs for eligible people receiving qualifying benefits.

Having conversations beforehand about what is genuinely important can help families distinguish between things that carry personal meaning and things they may feel expected to purchase.

A meaningful farewell does not necessarily have to be an elaborate one.

Are funeral wishes legally binding?

It is useful to understand the difference between expressing funeral wishes and making a legally enforceable instruction.

You can leave details of the funeral you would like, and families will often want to respect those wishes. However, in England, funeral wishes are generally not legally binding.

This makes conversation particularly valuable. A document hidden away somewhere that nobody knows exists may be far less useful than discussing your preferences with the people likely to arrange your funeral.

Consider keeping a written record of your wishes somewhere accessible and telling the relevant people where it can be found.

You might include your preference for burial or cremation, the type of ceremony you would like, music or readings, people you would like involved, whether you would prefer flowers or charitable donations, and anything else that feels important to you.

A funeral can be part of the grieving process

The original inspiration for this article came from a family funeral in which relatives became actively involved.

Sons from two different marriages carried the body together and helped lower it into the ground. People who wanted to speak were invited to do so at the graveside, and family members participated physically in filling the grave.

For that family, involvement transformed the experience from something being done for them into something they were actively part of.

Not everybody will want that degree of participation, and there is no correct way to grieve or say goodbye. But personal rituals can sometimes provide an important space for remembrance, connection and reflection.

The funeral is not simply about the person who has died. It is also an experience for those who remain.

How to start a conversation about death

You do not need to sit the whole family down for a formal discussion entitled "my death".

Conversations can emerge naturally. A funeral you have attended, a television programme, the death of a public figure or even a piece of music can provide an opening.

You might simply say that something has made you think about what you would want one day.

From there, the conversation may move into practical questions: who should deal with your affairs, whether your will is up to date, where important information is stored and what sort of farewell feels most like you.

These conversations can sometimes expose unresolved family tensions, particularly within blended or complicated families. If that happens, addressing those issues while everyone can participate in the conversation may ultimately be easier than leaving difficult decisions to a moment of grief.

Planning for death can change how we think about life

Perhaps the greatest value in talking about death is that it can remind us to pay attention to life.

Thinking about mortality has a way of clarifying what matters: relationships we want to repair, people we want to spend more time with, experiences we keep postponing and words we have been meaning to say.

Planning ahead is not about expecting death. It is about acknowledging something that is ultimately part of every life.

Putting your affairs in order, communicating your wishes and having difficult conversations can be practical acts of compassion. They can also give us permission to return our attention to living.

As the original author of this article, Debbie Reeds, reflected after experiencing a death within her own family, perhaps the message is remarkably simple: don't delay living fully and expressing the love you feel while you are here.

Frequently asked questions

Can I arrange a funeral without a funeral director in the UK?
Yes. UK government guidance confirms that you can arrange a funeral yourself. Your local council can provide information about burial plots, crematorium services and costs. Many people still choose to use a funeral director for some or all of the arrangements.

Can family members be involved in arranging a funeral?
Yes. Depending on the circumstances and the requirements of the cemetery, crematorium or other organisations involved, families can take an active role in planning and personalising a funeral.

Can someone be cared for at home after death?
In some circumstances families choose to care for a person who has died at home. This requires practical preparation and appropriate guidance, and the circumstances surrounding the death may affect what is possible.

Do I have to have a religious funeral?
No. Funerals can be religious, humanist, non-religious or designed around the individual beliefs and wishes of the person and their family.

Are my funeral wishes legally binding?
Funeral wishes are generally not legally binding in England, although families will often try to follow them. This is one reason it can be helpful to discuss your wishes with those closest to you as well as recording them.

Do I need a solicitor to make a will?
Not necessarily. In England and Wales you can write your own will, but it must meet legal requirements to be valid. Government guidance recommends seeking professional advice where your circumstances are not straightforward.

What is a lasting power of attorney?
A lasting power of attorney (LPA) allows you to appoint someone to make certain decisions on your behalf. In England and Wales there are LPAs covering health and welfare and property and financial affairs.

About the original author

Debbie Reeds originally wrote this article following a death within her own family and the conversations and experiences that followed. Her original piece explored family relationships, funeral choices and the value of talking more openly about death.

Editor's note: This article has been substantially updated and expanded by Wellbeing Magazine to reflect current information and UK guidance. The personal experiences and central ideas originate from Debbie Reeds' original article. Legal and practical requirements can vary across the UK and according to individual circumstances, so readers should check current official guidance or seek professional advice where appropriate.