Humans being are social animals. We need other people to survive and to thrive. How many people and what sort of contact we need varies from person to person but we all have relational needs. In our culture we tend to set a value on some things above others and create social norms that are not always useful to us. Often people stay in unhappy relationship for a range of reasons while others can judge themselves negatively for not being in a long-term relationship.
Most people have a range of different people in their life. It is rare for human being to have no one. Generally we have friends, lovers, family, colleagues, neighbours, pets and random people we say hello to in the street (or is that just me?) From this range of people hopefully we get our relational needs met at least to some degree.
Erskine, Moursand, and Trautmann, in their book Beyond Empathy talk of our eight relational needs. In their book they focus particularly on the therapeutic relationship but I like to think more widely about these. I really like this piece of theory because it helps me to think both about my own life and my own need and of those I work with. I invite you to consider your own life and how and from whom you get these needs met, or if there are needs that you are not getting met – how that impacts you.
The need for the other to initiate – in all satisfying relationships at times we need the other to take the lead. This is an interesting one as often in relationships people fall into habits of one or the other being the active initiator and the other being more passive. Do you have balance in your relationships?
The need to express love – again an interesting thought that this might be a human need. If I think of myself I feel this is a need but I wonder if it is a need for everyone. Human beings seek out loving relationships; we know that, for me I know I like to express my love for others.
The need for security – this is about trust and survival. We need to feel that our world is familiar and predictable to some degree and that we are safe. This is why things like moving house, death of a loved one or divorce can be hugely stressful for us.
The need for valuing – we all need to be valued, cared about, and thought worthy even if we don’t think these things about ourselves. This and the next one are often issues that people bring to therapy as even when people are valued they don’t always allow themselves to know it.
The need for acceptance – the need to be accepted. Again a very common issue that people don’t feel accepted and don’t accept themselves. This can often be about what we have experienced in the past and ideally we have people in our lives who truly accept us for who we are. Of course for this to happen we need to really show people the reality of us rather than adapt to who we think others want us to be.
The need for mutuality – the need to be with someone who has walked in their shoes. We need to be able to identify to and feel similar to, at times. I think this is about human connection, it is comforting for us to know that others have experienced similar things to us.
The need for self-definition – the people need to express who they are and be acknowledged and respected for their own uniqueness. We do this in a range of ways, how we dress, how we present ourselves, what we say to people. It’s a phase that teenagers are in – really showing who they are that is different from their parents – and maybe it is on ongoing need.
The need to make an impact – to be able to make an impact on the other. Some people need to make more impact than others and we can see this in a range of behaviours. If you tell someone something shocking and they do not react it is not very satisfying to our systems – we need to know that we can impact the world and other people and be responded to.
I don’t know if I fully agree with all of these as human needs but I do love the ideas and to think about these in a way that can enhance my life and others. Are these needs for you and are you getting them met and by whom? If not maybe you could consider how you might get what you need for your own quality of life.
Leilani Mitchell Dip. Couns. CTA (P) UKCP Reg. Psychotherapist, TSTA ( P) Chair of UKATA ( United Kingdom Association for Transactional Analysis ).
Leilani is an internationally qualified trainer, supervisor and Psychotherapist, she is Director of the Link Centre www.thelinkcentre.co.uk a training centre based in Newick, Sussex that offers courses in personal and professional development as well as longer term courses in Counselling and Psychotherapy. Leilani’s passion is to facilitate people’s self-awareness to enhance their quality of life.
