Most of us probably have some emotional issues, or sensitivities, from childhood and these can be triggered in our intimate relationships. While most parents do the best they can, they cannot be perfect. While that may sound negative, and can cause lots of problems in relationships, it is also potentially positive because when we can acknowledge our own wounds – and become more aware of our partner’s – a healing can take place in the relationship.

Unfortunately, many adults are unaware of, or have buried, their emotional wounding. So, when these sensitivities are activated in their relationship they blame their partner for it.

The wounding may not have been extreme. It could have been a parent who was not able to meet your needs because of a busy job or other commitments. Or perhaps having a sibling who seemed to get more attention or approval from one or both parents. Some children will have grown up with a parent who was quick to anger or was controlling in other ways. In some cases the child may have got the message that they were valued more for their achievements – their academic grades or sports performance – than just for themselves. As adults we take these earlier wounds into our relationships with partners, where they often get activated in a painful way.

One of the opportunities in couple therapy is for both partners to recognise and acknowledge, often for the first time, the wounds that they may be carrying from childhood.

Therapist John Welwood, in his book ‘Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships’, says that when we find ourselves shutting down in our relationship it is often because our partner’s emotional wounds have triggered our own wounding. So, our partner may be angry about something but because we associate that anger with rejection, we shut down when they are angry. Instead of shutting down, when our partner triggers our wounds, we can try and stay open to what we are feeling and to what is going on for our partner.

My experience in working with couples is that when they are both able to talk about and feel the feelings of that earlier wound, something can shift in their relationship. Each is able to soften slightly, and to offer their partner (and themselves) more understanding and compassion.

Please feel free to contact me if you’d like to know more about couples counselling.
Patrick McCurry
Eastbourne: patrickmccurrycounselling.co.uk
London: chrysaliscounselling.com
07891 295649