According to Paul McCartney, during the festive period, “The mood is right, the spirit’s up. We’re here tonight, and that’s enough. Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.” But for many people, this is far from the case, particularly those who are facing their first Christmas after a separation or divorce.

There is a lot to think about, such as how children are protected, whether there are any legal considerations, and how to cope mentally and emotionally. All this is added to handling the logistics, and heartache, of splitting your children between two homes at Christmas and the existing pressures of the season. So here are a few tips to help you get through Christmas this year.

Agree on the arrangements for children

Put the children first and shield them from conflict

Agree on the Christmas arrangements in advance (ideally in writing) and make sure you, your ex and the children all know the plan

Where possible, consider how your children might want to spend Christmas – they may want to wake up in their own home on Christmas morning

Make sure your arrangements are in line with anything official, like a court order

If necessary, attempt an agreement through mediation or arbitration

Remember that Christmas isn’t limited to the 25th and you can still share magic and memories with your children, regardless of the date

If you are apart from your children on Christmas Day and decide to phone or video call them, remember to be considerate of the other parent’s time with them

If you have children, no matter how angry and upset you might be with your ex, do your utmost to put the children first and shield them from any conflict. It is important they do not feel caught in the middle. Agreeing on the arrangements for the Christmas period in advance can help.

The court encourages separated parents to agree on arrangements between themselves. It is a good idea to record any agreement in writing, ideally in a ‘parenting agreement’. This will provide clarity for the family and allow you to establish ground rules.

If there is a court order in place that details how each parent will spend time with the children, the terms of the order must be followed as failure to do so could be a breach of the order.

If separated parents cannot reach an agreement and a court order is not in place, you can seek third-party support, such as through mediation or arbitration. Both services seek to facilitate an agreement between the parents and can be much quicker than going to court.

If an agreement cannot be reached and the other options above have been utilised or are not suitable, separated parents can apply to court. However, this is a slow process and would need to be done months in advance of Christmas. The judiciary discourages parents from applying to the court for these kinds of disputes, so this should only be used as a last resort and after having taken legal advice.

Be realistic about the impact COVID-19 might have on any plans

Although it is important to stick to agreed child arrangements, this has not always been possible over the last (nearly) two years due to the COVID-19 pandemic. While we hope Omicron doesn’t throw us into another lockdown, it is a good idea to be prepared.

The President of the Family Division has issued guidance that states that while children can be moved between separated parents during lockdowns, it does not mean children must be moved between homes.

The decision about whether a child is to move between parental homes is for the child’s parents to make in the best interests of the child considering all the circumstances, including the child’s health, the risk of infection and the presence of any vulnerable individuals in either household.

If plans change for legitimate coronavirus-related reasons, try to be accommodating and suggest alternative arrangements to make up for any lost time.

If you are planning to go abroad this Christmas, it is also important to follow the government’s travel guidelines and factor in any isolation requirements (either on entering another country or on returning) into the agreed time you have with the children.

Wellbeing

It will no doubt be daunting spending your first Christmas alone, so it’s a good idea to have some strategies in place. There is no ‘right’ way, and what works for one person may not work for another, but here are a few different ideas:

Be kind to yourself

It’s normal to have mixed emotions at this time of the year, so don’t be too hard on yourself. If you have the option, take some time for yourself, whether by pursuing a hobby, exercising or spending time relaxing.

Look after yourself

Make sure you get lots of sleep, exercise and eat well. These can make a real difference in how you feel about yourself.

Try something new

It may be helpful to do something completely new, so you are not plagued by memories of previous celebrations. You could volunteer at a soup kitchen or care home, go on holiday or start a new tradition.

Make plans with friends and family

If you can, make plans with friends and family. You may feel particularly alone around this period, so allow them to be your support system and a shoulder to lean on. This will provide you with a distraction and hopefully remind you that you are loved and appreciated. This could be via a video call or meeting up in person.

Talk to people

If you are struggling, do not bottle your feelings up; reach out for help. Talk to anyone you feel comfortable talking to, whether friends, family or a therapist. If you know you’ll be alone on Christmas, plan some calls with loved ones.

Be realistic

It is natural not to be joyous the whole time, so try to take pleasure in small moments of happiness, rather than expecting the whole period to be magical.

Look at the positives

There are parts of Christmas some of us would rather not engage in, perhaps including small-talk with the in-laws, or rushing around all day to see both sides of the family. These new circumstances may provide a break from certain obligations.

Written by Charlotte Sanders

Charlotte is a Senior Associate in the market-leading Divorce and Family team at Stewarts.
Her specialism is in the resolution of financial arrangements on divorce. Charlotte also advises on matters involving children on relationship breakdown, including living arrangements and financial provision.