How Far Can a Therapist Take You? What to Look for When Choosing a Therapist

Finding the right therapist involves more than checking qualifications or choosing someone who specialises in your particular difficulties. A therapist's self-awareness, emotional maturity and willingness to examine their own experiences can influence the quality of the therapeutic relationship. But how do you know whether a therapist is right for you, and what should you expect from the process?

Deciding to begin therapy can be a significant step. Whether you're struggling with anxiety, experiencing relationship difficulties, processing grief or simply wanting to understand yourself better, choosing someone to share your most personal thoughts and feelings with requires considerable trust.

Most people begin by looking at a therapist's qualifications, professional experience and areas of specialism. These are important considerations, but they are not the whole picture.

Therapy is also a deeply human relationship. The person sitting opposite you brings their own personality, experiences, beliefs and emotional history into the room.

A good therapist understands this and takes responsibility for recognising how their own experiences might influence their work.

As counsellor and psychotherapist Patrick McCurry explored in the original version of this article, one of the most important qualities in a therapist is a willingness to examine their own inner world.

After all, how can someone help another person explore difficult emotions if they are unable to recognise and manage their own?

Why does a therapist's self-awareness matter?

Self-awareness is an essential part of effective therapeutic practice.

Therapists regularly encounter strong emotions, challenging experiences and deeply personal disclosures. Clients may discuss subjects such as sexuality, shame, anger, trauma, family conflict, jealousy or feelings of hopelessness.

Some of these experiences may resonate with the therapist's own history.

A therapist who has not reflected sufficiently on their personal beliefs and emotional responses may unintentionally allow those reactions to influence the conversation.

For example, a therapist who finds anger particularly uncomfortable might repeatedly steer a client away from expressing frustration.

Someone who struggles with grief may feel an urge to reassure a grieving client before they have had an opportunity to explore their sadness.

These responses may be well-intentioned, but they can limit the client's freedom to discuss what matters most.

Self-aware therapists recognise that they are not entirely free from personal experiences or unconscious assumptions. Instead, they remain curious about their reactions and take responsibility for managing them professionally.

Does a good therapist need to have had therapy themselves?

Personal therapy is an important component of many counselling and psychotherapy training programmes.

It provides trainee therapists with firsthand experience of being a client and can help them explore their emotional patterns, relationships and personal difficulties.

Through their own therapy, practitioners may develop greater awareness of how they respond to criticism, conflict, intimacy, vulnerability or uncertainty.

However, personal therapy requirements differ according to the professional training pathway and therapeutic approach.

Not every type of psychological practitioner is required to undergo the same amount of personal therapy, and there is no simple formula linking the number of hours someone has spent in therapy to their effectiveness.

What matters is a commitment to self-reflection, ethical practice, appropriate training and continued professional development.

Personal therapy can contribute to these qualities, but it is not a guarantee of competence.

Similarly, a therapist who has experienced significant personal difficulties is not automatically better equipped to help someone facing similar circumstances.

Lived experience may contribute to empathy, but professional skills, boundaries and the ability to work safely remain essential.

Can a therapist's unresolved issues affect your therapy?

Therapists are human, and nobody reaches a point in life where every emotional difficulty has been completely resolved.

The important question is whether they can recognise when their personal experiences are influencing their professional responses.

In psychotherapy, the term countertransference is sometimes used to describe emotional responses that arise in the therapist during their work with a client.

These reactions may be influenced by the client's experiences, the relationship between therapist and client, or the therapist's own emotional history.

When recognised and appropriately reflected upon, these responses can sometimes provide useful information.

When they remain unnoticed or unmanaged, they may create difficulties.

When certain subjects become difficult to discuss

Patrick McCurry's original article included an example of a client who noticed that her therapist appeared visibly uncomfortable whenever she discussed her sexuality.

Although the therapist had not explicitly discouraged the conversation, his non-verbal reactions suggested that the subject was unwelcome.

The client eventually raised the issue, allowing the therapist to recognise something he had previously been unaware of.

This example illustrates an important aspect of therapy: communication involves more than words.

Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and moments of silence can all influence whether a client feels accepted and understood.

A therapist who responds defensively or repeatedly changes the subject when certain issues arise may unintentionally communicate that parts of the client's experience are unacceptable.

A skilled therapist, by contrast, should be able to consider feedback and reflect on whether their own reactions are affecting the work.

The danger of trying to rescue the client

When someone describes emotional pain, our natural instinct is often to make them feel better.

We reassure them, offer suggestions or remind them that things could improve.

In everyday relationships, these responses can be comforting. In therapy, however, reassurance is not always what the client needs.

Sometimes the most helpful response is simply to remain present while someone explores an uncomfortable experience.

In his original discussion, Patrick McCurry referred to the work of child psychotherapy author Margot Sunderland, who has explored the therapeutic use of stories with children.

A child might create a story in which a small, vulnerable character remains abandoned or alone.

An adult listening to the story may feel compelled to introduce a happy ending, believing this will make the child feel better.

But what if the unhappy ending is expressing something important about the child's emotional world?

By immediately changing the story, the adult may unintentionally avoid the very feelings the child needs help expressing.

A similar process can occur in adult therapy.

A client may need to talk about hopelessness, rage, loneliness or disappointment without being rushed towards optimism or a solution.

This does not mean therapists should ignore serious risks or allow someone experiencing a mental health crisis to remain unsupported.

It means recognising the difference between helping someone explore their emotions and trying to remove discomfort simply because it is difficult to witness.

Why the therapeutic relationship matters

One of the most consistent findings in psychotherapy research is the importance of the relationship between therapist and client.

Researchers often refer to this as the therapeutic alliance.

It includes the sense of trust between therapist and client, agreement about the goals of therapy and a shared understanding of how they will work towards those goals.

A major meta-analysis published in 2018 examined 295 studies involving more than 30,000 people and found a consistent positive association between the quality of the therapeutic alliance and treatment outcomes.

Research published since then has continued to examine the importance of this relationship across different forms of psychotherapy, including online therapy.

Although a positive therapeutic relationship does not guarantee successful treatment, it is an important factor to consider.

What does a good therapeutic relationship feel like?

You should generally feel that your therapist:

• Listens carefully and takes your experiences seriously.

• Respects your values, identity and personal circumstances.

• Allows you to express difficult emotions without unnecessary judgement.

• Explains their approach and involves you in decisions about treatment.

• Maintains clear and appropriate professional boundaries.

• Welcomes reasonable questions or concerns about the therapy.

• Recognises the limits of their expertise and refers you elsewhere when necessary.

You may not feel completely comfortable during every session. Therapy can involve discussing painful memories, challenging assumptions or exploring emotions you have avoided.

However, there is an important difference between the discomfort of meaningful therapeutic work and feeling consistently unsafe, dismissed, pressured or judged.

What is clinical supervision, and why is it important?

One of the most valuable questions to ask a prospective therapist is whether they receive regular clinical supervision.

Clinical supervision is a professional process in which therapists reflect on their work with an appropriately qualified supervisor.

It provides an opportunity to examine difficult cases, consider ethical issues, reflect on emotional responses and identify areas for professional development.

Supervision can also help therapists recognise when their own experiences may be affecting their work with clients.

Professional organisations such as the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy regard supervision as an important part of safe and ethical practice.

Supervision does not mean that your therapist is inexperienced or requires someone else to make their decisions.

Even highly experienced practitioners benefit from opportunities to reflect on their work and remain accountable.

Client confidentiality must be appropriately protected within supervision arrangements.

How to choose a therapist who is right for you

Finding a therapist involves balancing professional competence with personal compatibility.

You might feel immediately comfortable with someone whose manner is warm and conversational. Alternatively, you may prefer a therapist who takes a more structured, practical approach.

Neither style is necessarily better.

The important thing is finding someone who has appropriate training and experience for your needs and whose way of working feels suitable.

1. Check their qualifications and professional registration

In the UK, the titles counsellor and psychotherapist are not generally protected by statutory regulation.

This means it is particularly important to check a practitioner's qualifications, professional membership and registration.

You can look for practitioners registered with recognised professional bodies such as the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) or the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP).

Registers accredited by the Professional Standards Authority can provide additional reassurance about professional standards.

2. Consider their experience with your particular concerns

Therapists have different areas of expertise.

Someone who works primarily with everyday stress may not necessarily be the best choice for complex trauma, eating disorders or other specialist mental health needs.

Ask whether the therapist has experience helping people with difficulties similar to yours and whether their approach is appropriate for your circumstances.

3. Ask how they work

There are many therapeutic approaches, including cognitive behavioural therapy, person-centred counselling, psychodynamic psychotherapy, integrative therapy and psychosynthesis.

Some focus on developing practical strategies for managing thoughts and behaviours.

Others explore emotional patterns, past experiences, relationships or deeper questions about identity and meaning.

There is no single approach that is best for every person or condition.

A good therapist should be able to explain how their approach works and why it may be suitable for your needs.

4. Notice how you feel during the initial conversation

Many private therapists offer an initial consultation or introductory conversation.

This provides an opportunity to ask questions and gain a sense of whether you could work together.

Notice whether the therapist listens carefully, answers your questions clearly and allows you time to explain what you are looking for.

You do not need to feel an immediate emotional connection, but there should be a foundation of respect and professional confidence.

5. Understand practical arrangements and boundaries

Before beginning therapy, make sure you understand the cost of sessions, cancellation arrangements, confidentiality, session frequency and how the therapist handles emergencies or concerns.

A professional therapist should explain these matters clearly and provide an appropriate agreement about how you will work together.

Seven questions to ask before choosing a therapist

If you are considering counselling or psychotherapy, these questions can help you make a more informed choice.

1. What qualifications do you hold, and which professional organisation are you registered with?

2. What experience do you have working with the difficulties I want help with?

3. What therapeutic approach do you use, and how might it help me?

4. Do you receive regular clinical supervision?

5. How do you approach difficult emotions or disagreements within therapy?

6. How will we review whether therapy is helping?

7. What happens if you feel that another approach or practitioner would better meet my needs?

You can also ask about the role of personal therapy and self-reflection in the practitioner's training and ongoing professional development.

Therapists do not need to disclose private details about their personal lives, but they should be able to explain how they maintain professional competence and emotional awareness.

Can you tell your therapist when something isn't working?

Yes. Being able to discuss difficulties within the therapeutic relationship is an important aspect of effective therapy.

Perhaps you feel that your therapist has misunderstood something important, has moved too quickly or has repeatedly offered advice when you wanted space to explore your feelings.

Raising these concerns may initially feel uncomfortable.

For some people, particularly those who find conflict difficult, expressing dissatisfaction can itself be a meaningful part of therapy.

A skilled therapist should take feedback seriously and respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

However, not every difficulty can be resolved simply through discussion.

If you repeatedly feel disrespected, experience inappropriate behaviour or believe professional boundaries have been crossed, you have the right to stop therapy, seek another practitioner or raise concerns with the relevant professional organisation.

You are not obliged to remain in therapy simply because you have already invested time, money or emotional energy.

How do you know if therapy is helping?

Therapy does not always produce dramatic changes from one week to the next.

Progress can be gradual, and its meaning depends partly on why you sought support.

For someone experiencing anxiety, improvement might involve feeling more able to manage worries or participate in everyday activities.

For someone struggling with relationships, progress may involve recognising unhelpful patterns, expressing feelings more confidently or establishing healthier boundaries.

Other people may notice changes in how they respond to criticism, cope with difficult emotions or understand experiences from their past.

Useful questions to reflect on include whether you are developing greater understanding of yourself, experiencing meaningful changes in daily life and moving towards the goals you established with your therapist.

Therapy should also be reviewed when progress is limited or difficulties are becoming worse.

Depending on the problem, it may be appropriate to consider a different therapeutic approach, additional assessment or other forms of support.

How far can a therapist really take you?

The title of Patrick McCurry's original article raises an interesting question.

Can a therapist help someone explore emotional territory that they themselves find difficult?

The answer is more nuanced than suggesting that therapists can only take their clients as far as they have personally travelled.

Therapists do not need to have experienced every difficulty their clients bring, nor must they have completely resolved all their own emotional challenges.

What matters is their capacity to remain present, compassionate and professionally competent when difficult experiences arise.

This involves recognising personal limitations, maintaining appropriate boundaries, engaging in supervision and being willing to seek further training or refer clients to more specialist support.

A therapist's ability to acknowledge uncertainty can be as important as their confidence in what they know.

Good therapy is not about one person having all the answers or directing another towards a predetermined version of happiness.

It is a collaborative process in which professional knowledge, emotional understanding and the client's own experiences come together.

Finding support that helps you move forward

Choosing a therapist is a personal decision, and it is reasonable to take time finding someone who feels right for you.

Qualifications, professional registration and specialist experience provide an important foundation, but trust, communication and mutual understanding also matter.

The most effective therapists are not necessarily those who appear to have perfect lives or unlimited wisdom.

They are people who recognise the responsibility involved in helping others, remain open to learning and can provide a safe, respectful environment for difficult conversations.

A good therapist cannot remove every challenge from your life, and therapy is unlikely to provide answers to every question.

But with the right support, it can help you understand yourself more deeply, develop new ways of responding to life's difficulties and make choices that reflect your own needs and values.

Frequently asked questions about choosing a therapist

How do I know if a therapist is good?

Look for appropriate qualifications, relevant experience, professional registration, regular supervision and clear ethical boundaries. A good therapist should listen without unnecessary judgement, explain their approach and work collaboratively towards your goals.

Should therapists have therapy themselves?

Many psychotherapy training programmes include personal therapy requirements, but standards vary between different professional pathways. Personal therapy can support self-awareness, although it does not automatically guarantee that someone will be an effective therapist.

Why is the relationship with your therapist important?

The therapeutic relationship provides a foundation of trust, understanding and collaboration. Research consistently links a stronger therapeutic alliance with better treatment outcomes, although other factors, including the suitability of treatment, also matter.

What is clinical supervision in counselling?

Clinical supervision is a professional process in which therapists review their work with a qualified supervisor. It helps practitioners reflect on their responses, maintain ethical standards, manage challenges and develop their skills.

Is it normal to feel uncomfortable in therapy?

Some discomfort is normal when exploring painful experiences or challenging longstanding patterns. However, you should not feel consistently intimidated, humiliated, pressured or unsafe. Discuss concerns where appropriate, and consider seeking alternative support if necessary.

Can a therapist's personal problems affect their clients?

Personal experiences can influence anyone's professional behaviour. Therapists are expected to recognise and manage their own responses through self-reflection, supervision, professional development and appropriate boundaries.

What are warning signs of an unsuitable therapist?

Warning signs may include repeated breaches of confidentiality, inappropriate personal or sexual boundaries, pressure to follow the therapist's beliefs, dismissing your concerns, making unrealistic promises or working beyond their competence.

How long should you see a therapist before deciding whether it's helping?

There is no universal timeframe. Some structured therapies have a planned number of sessions, while others are more open-ended. Discuss your goals early, review progress regularly and raise concerns if you feel the therapy is not meeting your needs.

Can I change therapists if I don't feel comfortable?

Yes. You can decide to change therapists if the relationship does not feel suitable or you are not receiving the support you need. You may wish to discuss your concerns first, but you are not obliged to continue with someone who is not right for you.

About the original author

Patrick McCurry is a counsellor and psychotherapist whose original contribution to Wellbeing Magazine explored the relationship between a therapist's personal emotional development and their ability to work effectively with clients.

His article drew on psychosynthesis counselling, personal reflection and the therapeutic work of child psychotherapy author Margot Sunderland.

For more information, visit Patrick McCurry Counselling.

Editor's note: This article was originally written by Patrick McCurry and has been substantially updated and expanded by the Wellbeing Magazine Editorial Team. The revised version retains the original exploration of therapist self-awareness while incorporating contemporary guidance on therapeutic relationships, professional standards, supervision and choosing a qualified therapist.

This article provides general information and is not a substitute for individual mental health assessment or treatment.