Three of the hardest truths every dad needs to know and accept
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- June 5, 2024
After decades of stupid dads on television and criticism of masculinity (some fair, some decidedly not), fatherhood is seeing a bit of a renaissance. Nothing, to me, highlights this more than the popularity of the Star Wars show, “The Mandalorian.” In it, a man adopts a child and takes on every challenge to keep him safe and teach him how to survive in a cruel world. He does it based on tradition, which is highlighted by the saying, “This is the way.” In this galaxy, we don’t have such a code, but there are three truths that, when embraced by fathers, will give them a clear direction to go and make decision-making easier.
We can argue about what traditions around fatherhood we need to keep and which we need to change, but what cannot be argued, not seriously, at least, is how important dads are in the lives of their children. Remove dad from the picture, and drug use, criminal activity, and unwanted pregnancies increase. And that is just for teens! There is no reality where having a loving father with basic parenting skills isn’t a net positive in children’s lives.
However, conversations on what it takes to be a father rarely discuss the beliefs that shape how we succeed or fail, at least from a father’s perspective. Dad to Dad, here are the three hard truths you must embrace to be the best dad you can be.
- Your job is to become unnecessary
Your job is to raise children that do not need you. If your child is six months old, this is not on your radar, but it better be by the time your child is four. Four-year-olds are the most violent humans by age group, but their small size means this does not make the news. If you aren’t socializing your children and helping them deal with interpersonal interactions in their push/shove/bite fours, you are setting them on a violent, anti-social path that often leads to jail as an adult. At each step on the way to adulthood, your job is to teach them to be that much more aware of who they are and how their actions and interactions with others shape the outcomes of their lives.
By the time they are adults, they will not need you to make it in the world if you have done your job well. That does not mean they won’t love you, appreciate having you around (sometimes), or ask you for help (sometimes). It means that they will not have to. When you die, they will feel grief, but if you did your job correctly, they will not be lost.
- Your child is not a mini-you. You have to be the father your child needs and not the one you wanted
You know the dad you had, and you know the dad you wish you had. There is a perfect version, somewhere in your mind, of what your dad could have done and been, even if you think he did a reasonably good job. The problem is that the perfect version of your dad is what you think you need. It is not what your child needs.
You may have benefited from a dad who cut you a lot of slack when you made mistakes, but your child may have less self-control than you and need the same or more guardrails as they group up. Or maybe it’s the opposite – your father was too lackadaisical, but your son is already anxious and doesn’t need a hyper-critical dad.
No, to be a good dad, you must see your children as individuals shaped by you, but not you. Because they are not you, they need a different kind of parenting than you did in some areas. This also goes for your school/sports/music experience. You may have loved or hated football, band, or the debate club, but that doesn’t mean your child will feel the same or get the same experience you did. This is hard, but the more you see your child as independent of you, the better you can adjust your parenting to what he or she needs now and not what you needed five, ten, or twenty years ago.
- Self-care is selfish, necessary, and not about feeling happy
By now, the most basically informed person knows that taking care of yourself is important. Some even understand why airlines tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. If you don’t put yourself first, you may pass out, not help anyone, and die yourself. Harsh but true.
The same goes for dads. If you don’t take at least tiny bits of time out for yourself and burn out at work or at home, you won’t be there for your children for a hell of a lot longer than the time it would have taken to take care of your own health. Self-care, however, is not about feeling happy. Happiness is nice, some of the time, but being present is crucial. Self-care, for dads, is any care that recharges you, renews your sense of purpose, or gives you some breathing room to laugh at yourself.
To take care of yourself, you must say no to certain immediate needs of those around you, including your wife and children. This is both selfish and selfless. You are in the fatherhood game for the long haul, not just this Tuesday. Taking care of yourself does two things: 1) it keeps you alive and sane 2) allows you to be a better father because you are alive and sane.
Self-care is not six beers and two football games, but it might be two beers and one game. More likely, the self-care you need will start around getting more and better sleep, eating healthy food, and making sure you move your body around. Once you get those things right, you’ll have the strength and energy to take time to write, build something in the garage, or otherwise do something that takes your mind off your responsibilities as a father and husband and feeds those other aspects of yourself (athlete, artist, philosopher, comedian, etc.).
It has been said that the truth will set you free. That is half right. Whether you think the truth relates to God, education, or fatherhood, freeing yourself from misconceptions will weigh you down with a new set of responsibilities. This is good. Misconceptions free us from reality; you can’t parent well from fantasy. It is the weight of our real responsibilities as fathers that keep us grounded.
Remember:
- Your job is to become unnecessary
- Your child is not a mini-you.
- Self-care is not optional.
Each one of these truths requires you to deal with a unique set of emotional challenges, and we will all face them in different ways and with differing levels of success. We never master the truth. Instead, we live more authentic lives when we face the truth and do our best to work within the bounds of reality and not a fantasy created by our wishes, fears, or the current societal views on dads.
One last thing, fathers, never forget:
- When you care for yourself, you teach your children the importance of caring for themselves.
- Because your child is not a mini-you, he or she is not destined to make the same mistakes as you.
- Before you become unnecessary, you are the most important male role model your children will ever have.
This is the way.
written by: Steve Anderson
Author’s Bio:
Author’s Bio:
Steve Anderson is married and has two sons. He is the former director of the Boys to Men Mentoring Network of Minnesota, where he led national and international transformational weekends for boys. He has over ten years of experience working with men and boys, developing the emotional awareness and skills they need to reach their full potential. He also has over 20 years of experience teaching people how to be more effective communicators. He lived through his dad’s spectacular burnout as a teenager and works with fathers to help them avoid doing the same in their own lives. He is a certified professional coach with training in applied neuroscience. He is also, obviously, a Star Wars fan.
