When we talk about self-love these days we often equate this with treating ourselves to something, pampering ourselves or doing some other superficial form of care. Whilst these things can temporarily make us feel better they cannot in the long term heal those places where we do not love ourselves.
People often come into counselling or psychotherapy because they have lost control of their lives. They may be experiencing symptoms such as anxiety or depression, maybe they’re having difficulty in their relationships or their lives are turning out to be unsatisfactory in some way.
It is my view that these symptoms can nearly always be traced back to a lack of self-love.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross, author of On Death and Dying said the most common thing she heard from people at the end of their lives was “I made a living but I never really lived”.
To truly love ourselves we have to face all the times where we felt unlovable either because we were abused or because we misinterpreted events based on limited understanding.
In his new book, the Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté talks about being given away to a stranger by his mother at the age of 14 months.
Whilst this was in fact an enormous act of love to protect him from great danger, his interpretation was that he was unwanted and unlovable. If parents are stressed, short tempered or absent, children can interpret this to mean that they are not loveable.
Loving ourselves is not an event, it’s a process. It involves a decision to be compassionate, loving and understanding towards our vulnerable selves.
This is not always an easy process because it means having to face the grief of having lived under the impression that we were “only loveable if………(Fill in the blank)”, or that we were in some way unlovable because of a fundamental flaw.
The decision to love ourselves however, is an exciting and wonderful adventure and when we can identify the blocks to loving ourselves we can then start to rectify our false beliefs and come home to ourselves.
A short exercise to help boost your sense of self-love
Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths.
Close your eyes and imagine yourself as a young child.
Imagine a time when you were having difficulties, either in your family, in school or in your neighbourhood.
Take a moment to connect with that little one and then say what it is that he or she needs to hear. Notice how you feel as you say this.
Continue to breathe deeply for a few moments before opening your eyes, placing your hand on your heart.
Words: Geoff Hopping
Are you interested in training as a counsellor or psychotherapist?
At The Link Centre we offer counselling and psychotherapy courses both online and at our centre in Plumpton.
Whether you’re just starting out or already on your way to becoming a qualified counsellor or psychotherapist, we have courses for all levels.
Want to find out more about the courses we offer? Come to our Online Open Evening on 30th March 2023 (6.30pm-8.00pm) or join our free How to Become a Counsellor Workshop on 27th April 2023 (6.30pm-7.30pm).
If you’re new to Transactional Analysis we recommend starting with the TA101 – next one is 25th & 26th March (online). We also offer a 15-hour online Counselling Skills MOT workshop starting 5th April.
If you’re interested in training with us go to www.thelinkcentre.co.uk or email info[@]thelinkcentre.co.uk
Laura Mitchell
