Too often we believe that confidence is something other people have, but not us. Yet confidence isn’t a lightning bolt that strikes you. It’s a muscle you build every single day through how you speak to yourself, the choices you make and the small actions you take when no one’s watching.
There’s a powerful myth around confidence that it equals being loud, fearless and always knowing what to do. If that were true, Dolly Parton and Beyoncé would be exhausted. Confidence is an inside job, and it begins with how you see yourself, not how others see you.
As a life and wellness coach for more than twenty years, I’ve identified six steps that form the foundation of genuine confidence, and they all start from within.
Confidence begins with self-recognition
It isn’t something you get from other people, it grows when you see yourself clearly. When you acknowledge your wins, know your strengths, understand your values and set clear intentions, you give yourself permission to celebrate who you are as a unique individual. Confidence expands when we recognise our own brilliance, especially in those small, everyday moments that we often overlook.
Compassion is part of confidence
We are always harder on ourselves than we are on everybody else, and that doesn’t help. Confidence grows when we practice kindness inward first. You’re allowed to be human. You’re allowed to make mistakes and keep learning, that’s how we survive in today’s world.
It’s not about being perfect; it’s about progress. It’s about being honest, real and willing to give it another go if it didn’t work the first time. As the book Bounce by Matthew Syed reminds us, the more you practice, the better you get. The more confident you become, the more you want to do.
Confidence comes from knowing what you stand for
When you truly know who you are and what your values are, they anchor you when life gets noisy or chaotic. Your values enable you to live on purpose and give yourself choice. Confidence is clarity. When you know what matters to you, decisions become easier and your voice becomes stronger. You stop shape-shifting to please others – something we can all do when we’re lacking confidence.
Confidence is fuelled by connection
We don’t grow confidence in isolation. We grow it in safe, trusted circles where we can practice being seen. Be somebody else’s cheerleader and let others cheer for you too. We really are better together. Who is in your trusted circle? Who do you cheerleader for? Who cheerleaders for you?
Confidence requires boundaries
Say yes with intention and no with grace. We’re often brilliant at saying yes to everything, then beating ourselves up when we can’t deliver, and our confidence plummets. Boundaries aren’t barriers; they’re healthy fences with gates. They enable you to protect your peace and choose where you give your time and energy. Every confident person I’ve met has clear boundaries. It’s about being clear on what you stand for and what you won’t carry anymore.
Confidence comes from doing the work
You have to work at building your confidence through daily reflection and practice. It’s that daily 1% choice you make. Use language like “yes, let’s” and “how will I show up as my future self today?” Each time you back yourself, you strengthen that muscle. It needs working like any other muscle to keep it alive and strong.
Confidence is built through action, reflection and practice. It’s not about waiting until you feel ready, it’s about building resilience and perseverance to have another go when things don’t work out the first time.
So where will you choose to back yourself this week? Where will you trust yourself and believe in yourself?
Key actions to help build your confidence include:
- Make a list of what you’re brilliant at. Really acknowledge your strengths and celebrate your wins, no matter how small.
- Identify your trusted circle. Who cheerleaders for you? Who can you support in return? Confidence grows through connection.
- Set one boundary this week. Practice saying yes with intention or no with grace to protect your energy.
Remember, confidence isn’t something you find or receive. It’s something you build from the inside out, one choice at a time.
Written by Debbie Green
Debbie Green is founder and wellness coach at Wishfish Coaching & Development and co-host of Secrets from A Coach podcast. For more information visit: wishfish.org.uk and secretsfromacoach.com
