Almost everyone has reacted more sharply than they meant to at some point. A clipped reply to a family member at the end of the working day. An abrupt tone with a colleague over something minor. Later, there is usually a ready explanation: it had been a long day.
That explanation tends to be more accurate than it sounds. The reaction was rarely about the question that prompted it. Tiredness had built up over hours, lunch had been skipped, and patience had been running low since mid-afternoon. In other words, the behaviour made sense.
Psychologists and support professionals have been refining this idea for several decades. Behaviour is often a form of communication, and understanding behaviour in that light, as information rather than a flaw in character, changes how we might approach our own wellbeing.
Behaviour usually meets a need
Most of what people do is an attempt to get something, or to get away from something. Late-night phone scrolling can be a way of filling silence that would otherwise leave room for worry. A gym membership that has gone unused since March may say less about motivation than about a schedule with no slack in it at all.
Seen in this way, many habits are solutions. Poor ones, sometimes. The need underneath (rest, company, a small sense of control) is generally reasonable.
Children make this easier to see because they have not learnt to disguise it. A four-year-old who becomes distressed twenty minutes into a crowded birthday party may seem to be acting out. Often, though, the noise has simply outlasted the child’s capacity to cope, and there is no other way to say so. Adults are not so different. The signals are just quieter, such as a short email or leaving an event earlier than planned.
Self-criticism, for the same reason, rarely changes much. It does nothing about the need.
The limits of willpower
Willpower is given a good deal more credit than it has earned. It is at its weakest late in a demanding week, which is exactly when most people fall back on it.
People who seem naturally disciplined are often relying on something else entirely: their environment. Fruit sits on the kitchen bench while the biscuits are kept in a high cupboard, and the running shoes stay by the front door. None of this requires much resolve.
Research on habit formation generally supports this. Routine and surroundings tend to shape behaviour more reliably than intention does, and adjusting the setting is usually easier than trying to overpower an urge.
Understanding behaviour begins with noticing
A detailed tracking system is not necessary. What helps most is attention to what comes immediately before a behaviour and what follows it.
When a habit you would like to change appears, try making a brief note of the circumstances. What was happening beforehand? What did you do, and what happened next? Sleep, company and location are all worth recording. Within a fortnight, patterns frequently emerge, and they can be quite specific. A 3 pm trip to the vending machine might coincide almost exactly with days when lunch was missed.
It is worth extending the same curiosity to other people. The colleague who has gone quiet in meetings, or the teenager who heads straight to their room after school, usually has reasons that are not yet visible.
How the same principle is applied in support services worldwide
The principle extends well beyond everyday habits. It also underpins some of the most respectful, person-centred support available to people living with disability, whatever their age.
Over recent decades, services in a number of countries have moved away from focusing on the behaviour alone and towards understanding the needs behind it. Positive behaviour support is widely used across learning disability and autism services in the United Kingdom, where improving quality of life is treated as a central aim. In the United States, many schools have adopted a related framework, PBIS, to build calmer and more predictable classrooms.
The Asia-Pacific region includes a range of disability support systems and approaches. New Zealand’s Enabling Good Lives approach places choice and self-determination at the centre of disability support, while other countries across the region have developed their own approaches to supporting people with disability, including person-centred and behaviour-focused services. The way support is delivered varies considerably between countries, but the broader principle is similar: understanding a person’s needs and circumstances can help shape more effective support.
In Australia, this thinking sits at the core of behaviour support under the NDIS. A positive behaviour support plan considers what a person’s behaviour may be communicating, then builds practical strategies around their strengths, routines and environment. Plans are developed by NDIS behaviour support practitioners who are considered suitable by the NDIS Quality and Safeguards Commission. They focus on improving quality of life and building skills and, where applicable, on reducing and eventually eliminating regulated restrictive practices.
A well-developed plan also gives families, carers and support workers a shared understanding, so that the person receives consistent support whether they are at home, at school, at work or out in the community. Nobody is left to guess what helps.
A kinder way to look at behaviour
Accepting that behaviour makes sense does not mean anything should change. It changes the question being asked. “What is wrong with me?” becomes “What do I need at the moment?”, which is a far more productive place to start.
So when a reaction next seems out of proportion, it may be worth deferring the guilt for a short while. Deal with the immediate need, whether that is food, rest or a few minutes of quiet. Then consider what the day has actually been demanding of you.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Our Editorial Team are writers and experts in their field. Their views and opinions may not always be the views of Wellbeing Magazine. If you are under the direction of medical supervision please speak to your doctor or therapist before following the advice and recommendations in these articles.
