Adapted from Dr. Orloff’s book, The Genius of Empathy, with Foreword by the Dalai Lama
Empathy is the practice of giving and caring with intention. It’s a practical daily skill that can be learned — not simply an idealistic goal that “sounds good.” Its genius is attainable for everyone.
Empathy itself is a healing act, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. It’s a way of saying you matter to me, being kind to myself and others matters to me. It gives you a wiser, more loving inner resource to guide you and let you view difficulties with more empathic, discerning eyes. Empathy, essentially, is a heroic act.
Relationships are central to your well-being, but they also present you with the most challenges. Even though it’s tempting to think, “Why do I want to have empathy for hurtful people?” empathy offers a path out of misunderstanding and hostility. Although you may not care for someone’s personality, or your values conflict with theirs, you can still treat them with a basic sense of respect.
Practicing empathy effectively improves your communication and support of others, especially those who are hard to get along with. Why is showing empathy so important? Because you want happy or at least mutually respectful relationships. You are choosing compassion and tolerance over drama, ego, or resentment. Empathy’s role is to nourish and repair relationships rather than rupturing them.
Use these guidelines to cultivate a more openhearted way of interacting.
1. Respond, don’t react or attack. This empathic practice may go against every reactionary instinct you have. Yet if your intention is to heal a conflict, don’t get stuck in the pattern of, “You caused me pain, so I’ll get back at you and stand up for myself.” Instead, simply acknowledging, “I hear you,” gives you a better chance of reaching the person, minimizing drama, and getting your needs met.
2. Develop conscious speech. Our speech has power, so it’s important to be discerning about how you communicate with others. Affirm someone’s strengths and joys and resonate with their struggles. Look for what’s right, not just what’s wrong. Always express yourself in “I” statements instead of blaming, shaming, or leading with “you” — such as, “You made me do it.” Avoid offering unsolicited advice or arguing. Don’t overexplain your position or make the discussion about you.
3. Use a calm, empathic tone. Words and tone can be peaceful, or they can be weaponized. If a friend confesses, “I’ve blown my paycheck again on buying expensive clothes,” you can respond, “That sounds upsetting. I didn’t realize you like to shop so much.” Inwardly you may think, “It sounds like they have a spending problem.” But don’t lead with that unless you’re sure they can handle blunt input. When you respond in a caring, even curious tone, your friend won’t feel judged and is more likely to open up more about what truly is going on with them. But if your tone is disapproving, they will likely go away feeling badly.
4. Make comfortable eye contact. Be aware of how you connect with another’s eyes. Eye contact has many nuances. You may have to change your approach when interacting with various people, such as when you start to feel energy too intensely. In comfortable situations, it’s okay to express your different eye contact preferences, especially if they’re out of synch with others in your life. Many cultures have varied expectations around eye contact. You can always ask what form of eye contact someone prefers.
5. Follow the “no-fixing” rule. If you have an open heart, loved ones, coworkers, or even strangers will gravitate toward you to share their life stories and problems. You want to help them. In fact, like many of us, perhaps you were raised believing that being compassionate means absorbing someone’s pain. You must know this is not accurate. A healthy empathic response is allowing someone the dignity of their own path. It’s not your job to fix them, nor are you being unkind to let them learn and grow at their own pace. Letting a relative or friend know that you have confidence they can handle the issue is the empathetic response, rather than sending a message that you must intervene because they’re incapable of solving the problem. You can offer support and guidance, but people are responsible for healing themselves.
Choosing empathy is a game-changer. It gives you the ability to live in a more spacious, heartfelt part of yourself where you see every situation from your most compassionate, big-picture place. It requires putting down your emotional weapons and seeing with your heart.
Sign up here for Dr. Orloff’s online webinar about empathetic healing techniques based on The Genius of Empathy on April 20, 2024, 11am-1pm PST.
Written by: Judith Orloff, MD
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Judith Orloff, MD, is author of the new book, The Genius of Empathy: Practical Skills to Heal Your Sensitive Self, Your Relationships, and the World with Foreword by the Dalai Lama (Sounds True, April 9, 2024). Dr. Orloff is a member of the UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty and a New York Times bestselling author. She’s a leading voice in the fields of medicine, psychiatry, empathy, and intuitive development. Her work has been featured on CNN, NPR, Talks at Google, TEDx, and the American Psychiatric Association. She has also appeared in USA Today; O, The Oprah Magazine; Scientific American; and The New England Journal of Medicine. She specializes in treating highly sensitive people in her private practice. Learn more at drjudithorloff.com. Sign up here for Dr. Orloff’s online webinar about empathetic healing techniques based on The Genius of Empathy on April 20, 2024, 11am-1pm PST.
