The Tiny Pause That Changes Everything

Impulse control is the tiny pause between urge and action. The work is about strengthening that pause so you can choose the response that serves you, not the one that hijacks you.

This has never been more relevant for me than right now. Following my dad’s recent passing, I hadn’t realised that stress destroys my impulse control. It became literally zero. I would see something and go, “Oh, I like that,” and just buy it. No second thought. 

I’ve ended up with a Burberry handbag, an expensive hand-knitted jacket, buying my mum a puppy(!) and 37 boxes of Christmas decorations I don’t actually need. It’s been noticeable because that’s my stress response, my way of trying to have some control.

So how have I started managing it? As a wellness coach for over 20 years, the practical steps I’ve discovered and found useful include:

1. Build your pause muscle

I’m learning to build my pause muscle. If I go into a shop, I say, “If I still want this in 10 minutes, I will buy it.” It’s gives me a moment to pause, look around the shop and come back to it. 

For online purchases, I count backwards from 10 before pressing pay. You can stand up, stretch, shift your state for 30 seconds. Moving away and doing something active really helps to get your brain into a different state.

2. Name the urge

When you give the impulse a label, it loses power. “This is my frustration talking. This is my stress seeking a quick release.” Naming it allows you to more easily tame it. 

I’ve been saying, “This is just my stress wanting to buy all the biscuits in Marks and Spencer. I don’t really need them.” Recognising it and bringing it into my conscious mind is key to improving challenging behaviours.

3. Create ‘if-then’ plans

If I want to react sharply, then I’ll ask one clarifying question first. For example, “do I really need this?” Or I’ll take three slow breaths before I decide to press pay. It slows down impulse control turning it into a manageable proactive process, not a quick decision.

4. Understand the trigger

The impulse isn’t the real problem. The trigger is. Ask yourself: What feeling is underneath this? What just happened that set this off? Is this really about now, or something older?

If we can spot the pattern, the impulse stops being so random and becomes manageable.

5. Make future-self decisions

When I’m calmer, I think about what I want my future self to do. Future Debbie leaves hard conversations for daylight hours. Future Debbie buys street food after a walk, not before it. 

When the impulse hits, I’m following a plan, not relying on willpower, because that goes out the window.

6. Practice compassionate self-interruption

It’s not about shaming yourself. It’s about interrupting the autopilot gently. A lot of impulse control is just autopilot. You don’t think first. 

Try saying: “Pause, choose, then move.” Or “I don’t need to respond right this second.” Or “Hey lovely, is this going to help you?” The tone matters. Harshness fuels the impulse. Calm kindness calms it.

7. Manage your capacity

Understanding when our impulse control spikes is crucial. Stress, yes. But also: Am I tired? Overwhelmed? Over-stimulated? Emotionally overloaded? Hungry? 

The biggest question I use is, “What do I need right now?” That brings the decision-making process into the present. Before, it was “What do I want to do right now?” which led to “Well, I want to buy it. So, I’ll buy it.” 

Until the Burberry handbag arrived, I hadn’t appreciated how much impact stress has on me personally. I do understand stress, after all it’s my job as a coach to recognise it in other people and help them to manage it. But when it happened to me, well it felt very different. Thankfully, my training kicked in, and I was able to raise my awareness about it and use these tools to manage it better.

I’ve learnt to delay overnight shopping carts, schedule those conversations I’ve been putting off rather than buying something new and put boundaries in for myself. And, I haven’t bought any more Burberry handbags this week, so that’s win!

Written By Debbie Green

Debbie Green is founder and wellness coach at Wishfish Coaching & Development and co-host of Secrets from A Coach podcast. For more information visit: wishfish.org.uk and secretsfromacoach.com