We hear a lot of talk about the importance of creating more serenity in our lifestyle. We’re all encouraged to consciously develop the lives we desire. Often the main emphasis is on self-care. You might think that as the owner of an online psychotherapy practice that is actually called Serene Lifestyles and as a woman who on the surface seems to be living a healthy and a serene lifestyle – that I have it all and that it is easy for me. The truth, of course, is that it’s never that simple. What I do know – is that it is vital to work on creating serenity within your mindset first – before you can create it within your daily life and I have some simple tips for you on exactly how to do it.

1. Live in the present, not the past

No-one has lived a perfect life. I have had to create my serenity from the most chaotic circumstances and traumatic situations. Like many people, I’ve found myself in situations that terrified me or caused stress and sometimes continuous anxiety. Like any human being, I have had moments where I couldn’t let go of the pain or issues of my past traumas …. the loss of my father as a child, IVF cycles which failed, miscarriages, divorce and even being temporarily homeless. None of us can completely avoid pain.

But there are techniques that can give us more control of our emotions and our pace of life. Instead of getting caught up in the drama, I have learnt to walk alongside my demons. I hold the hands of fear, phobias, anxiety, depression and the list of the many traumatic and stressful situations I have been in and I chose to deal with it differently. For example, if something is causing you worry or anxiety, acknowledge it by answering questions such as, ‘is there any evidence of danger? Am I safe,’ and so on. This method can be a rapid solution.

2. Find mechanisms to rebalance you if you wobble

As a psychotherapist, I know that a lot of events that cause people to feel broken, vulnerable, lost or stressed can have an impact on how they handle any circumstances in life. Humans are wired with an inbuilt response to deal with extreme situations. That type of situation fires our primal reaction to flight or fight.

However, what many people don’t realise is that we have a pause method embedded in our conscious mind. We can choose to simply stop and metaphorically sit and have a cup of tea with our demons.

After facilitating therapy for thousands of clients I know that our thoughts become our reality. We have to tame those thoughts.  Over time I learnt to manage my own feelings. Now I appreciate that my response to circumstances is what creates my reality, not the actual events themselves. In the words of Swindoll, “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.” I only wish that the kind of therapy I practise had been around when I needed it – it would have been much quicker and easier for me!

3. Accept and pause

Creating a serene lifestyle comes down to practising acceptance. Once the circumstances of a situation are established, you should accept them and move on from them quickly by letting go of anything that does not serve you. If you lapse into past experiences that are causing you pain then remember the key to serenity is to pause. Pause, instead of needing to flee or try and fight the situation. Simply take a moment to reflect and review and realise that is all you need to do to take control of your life again.

When you pause, you are present in mind. When you are present you are in more control of your life.

Nothing from the past can be changed apart from the way we think about it, but learning from the experience will help you going forward.

4. Don’t judge yourself – use what works for you

I have seen a change in myself now my rational thoughts have learnt to reason with my irrational ones. They simply hang out as if they are best friends. Often having a somewhat bizarre conversation about my life and experiences with myself over that metaphorical cup of tea makes me listen to my rational thoughts more. The discussion often concludes with a simple shrug of the shoulders and without the pain. My rational mind now wins every time by reminding me, that I can’t change the past. I can’t predict the future and all I can control at this moment is my thoughts. It enables me to continue with my practical tasks for the day. This is the realistic and practical aspect of creating a serene lifestyle. Having the power to choose how you respond.

5. Know that you’re enough

Become your own best friend. Work on really liking the person you see a reflection of in the mirror. Allow love and happiness to radiate from you, for you, because you have come to terms with and accepted your circumstances. You’ve moved away from the trauma and allowed life and yourself to be good enough.

If we’re safe, secure and considerately kind to ourselves, we’re creating peace within our mindset. If we can create that within us, this will, in turn, create our environment and the people in it to be in line with what we desire. We’re unique individuals and our desires are also unique. We must honour this to create our own serene lifestyles and not make the mistake of living our life by only fulfilling the desires of others. Only when we are at peace can we then serve others.

Quick tips to create more serenity:

• Live in the present. Review past problems but don’t relive them
• Find mechanisms to rebalance you when you have a wobble. Meditation works for most, pause, reflect, yoga and even a simple walk can all help.
• Choose to live in gratitude. Appreciate the simple things, or things that we often take for granted, for instance, your eyesight. This can ground you.
• Know that you are enough, that you are loveable, and life has so much to offer. Once you accept that you can progress in any aspect of your life.

Life comes down to these key tips, self-care, self-love, self-worth and self-respect; when we have this within us, only then can we create the serenity we wish for. The journey begins with you and the journey may sometimes be a rocky path, but you don’t have to travel without help and trust me when you come out the other side to see the view you have dreamt of it is a feeling like no other. I wish you all that joyous feeling for yourselves.

About the author:

Belynder Walia is a qualified Psychotherapist and neuroscientist recognised by the British Psychological Society, and the International Council of Psychotherapists. She is driven by her own personal history of trauma to help others master their mindset. It is her mission to help others both heal trauma and prevent the impact of it, through her two-pronged approach. Belynder is passionate about helping people with their mental and emotional wellbeing, and helped many people, including athletes, royalty and celebrities breakthrough negative thinking patterns. Connect with her at www.serenelifestyles.com or follow her on LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter or Facebook.