Nourishing our relationships in this tricky time

“It is not our purpose to become each other, it is to recognise each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is” Hermann Hesse

Relationships may not always be a bed of roses, and just like a bed of roses they take constant time and commitment to remove the weeds and keep the soil in good shape to allow the flowers to bloom and thrive, especially during times of stress such as this lockdown period. So what steps can you take to keep everything in the garden rosy? 

What makes you feel loved? 

Every single one of us will have a different answer to this question. However, in his best-selling book “The 5 Love Languages”, Dr Gary Chapman, PhD, has whittled an infinite set of possibilities down to five simple ways people express and experience love. These are:

• Words of affirmation 
• Quality of time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

Once you understand what makes you feel loved, and what makes your partner feel loved you can use this knowledge to strengthen your relationships. Find out what your love language is. 

Tips for keeping your relationship healthy 

Every relationship is different, and a healthy one should be a source of happiness, strength and support through good times and bad. 

Communication is key!

Whether it’s romantic, business or simply friendship, good communication is the mainstay of every good relationship. That doesn’t mean agreeing with everything each other says, though from a place of respect it does mean listening intently to the other person’s pain points and not being afraid of disagreement.

Help build your communication skills with your partner with these tips:

• Speak up: If something’s bothering you, or makes you feel hurt, stressed, upset or bad in any way don’t bottle it up. Talk to your partner about how you are feeling without blame or shame, by creating a ‘safe, judgement-free space’ to talk. If necessary, agree a specific time when you can both calmly talk it through.
• Make communicating fun: Communicating with your partner shouldn’t just be about what’s wrong. Keep the spark and communication channels alive by having fun. Reconnect with some of the reasons you fell in love, what you appreciate about each other, and be playful.
• Respect each other: Mutual respect is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Both of your feelings, thoughts and dreams have equal value.
• Be supportive of each other: Just like any relationship the key is to build up, not put down. Offer each other support, reassurance and encouragement when needed, even if it’s not asked for. It’s the little spontaneous things that can make a difference. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, or letting your partner know you need support.
• Understand that male and female brains work differently: A stressed female is more likely to want to rebalance her brain chemistry and calm down by talking and interacting with someone, whereas men generally prefer to be on their own needing space and quiet time to calm down. Also that a man’s brain is wired to problem solve and fix, whereas women’s brains which are wired for talking things through don’t necessarily want ‘fixing’, they may just need to be heard.
• Try your utmost not to go to bed on an argument: It’s an old saying but very true. Take a few deep breaths and talk through any misunderstandings or arguments before bed. It’s a scientific fact, as researchers have discovered, that it’s harder to get rid of angry thoughts after sleep because as you sleep your brain reorganises thoughts from short-term to long-term memory.
• Make sure you are calm and not emotionally aroused before tackling any difficult conversations: It is OK to say ‘I need to cool off right now but I will talk about this later’.

Remember the problem isn’t that there are differences, it’s how they are managed.

Establish boundaries

All healthy relationships have boundaries, but they are not a sign of secrecy and distrust, nor are they meant to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Boundaries should make you and your partner feel comfortable and help you develop positivity and increased self-confidence. You should never have to adjust who you are to ‘fit in’ with your partner. To establish boundaries you need to communicate clearly who you are, and what you would like and would not like to happen within the relationship, e.g., you don’t want your partner rifling through your handbag, or borrowing your car.

If you haven’t already established boundaries in your relationship, here are a few tips to get you started:

• Communication: Be honest with each other and share your thoughts and feelings.
• Ask, don’t assume: Don’t assume you know what your partner is feeling, even if you’ve been with them for a long time and know them well. It’s so easy to make assumptions, or try to guess what another person is thinking or feeling, though most of the time this just leads to misunderstandings.
• Don’t break your boundaries: If you break your boundaries you are signalling to your partner that it’s OK to continue overstepping the mark. Boundaries are there to protect you, and you should never feel afraid of your partner’s reaction.
• Take responsibility: It’s easy to automatically lay the blame at your partner’s feet for how you are feeling, or the situation you find yourself in, however stop, take a breath and then from a judgment-free perspective think about your choices and see if they have contributed. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be doing this.

It’s also important to realise that however much we wish for it, sometimes a relationship just isn’t meant to be, especially if you don’t feel respected, or you feel like you’re the one making all the compromises. 

Learn to give and take

It’s natural to disagree from time to time, but it’s important to learn the value of compromise. Healthy relationships are based on compromise, however again that doesn’t mean that one does all the giving and one does all the taking. No, it takes work to make sure each of you know and recognise each other’s wants and needs. If one person is doing all the giving, it will only lead to resentment and anger building up.

Here are some tips of how to resolve disagreements respectfully:

• The goal is not to win: If you only want to win, you will never reach a compromise. To keep your relationship strong, both of you need to feel that you are being heard.
• Focus on the issue at hand: Don’t drag up old arguments from the past, the outcome of which cannot be changed.
• Use non-violent communication: Replace ‘you’ statements, such as ‘you make me feel stupid’, with ‘I’ statements, such as ‘I feel foolish when you do that, and I don’t want to feel that way, would you please stop?’ 
• Learn to forgive: If you cannot forgive, the disagreement or conflict will never be resolved.
• Don’t say something you’ll regret: If you find your temper rising, step back and take a few minutes to calm down before saying, or doing anything you will regret later.
• Let it go: There are times when a compromise is impossible. At that point it’s best to agree to disagree rather than carrying on, so make up and move on.

At the end of the day, keep talking and don’t wait until the cracks start to show before doing something about your relationship. Ups and downs are part of a normal healthy relationship, though if you find there are more downs than up, it may be time to seek help and guidance.

And if someone is annoying you always remind yourself that … if you had their DNA, their past family and life experience you would be behaving exactly as they are. They are doing the best they can.

Successful relationships are built on a spirit of friendship, fondness and admiration where kindness and compassion is stronger than judgement and anger.

If you would like help around any aspect of your emotional and / or physical wellbeing, contact me on 07545 227272, email [email protected] or visit www.livewellandprosper.uk

Helen Prosper