There are many layers to self-sabotage. While some may be relatively easy to recognise, like negative self-talk or expecting things to not work out (giving us an excuse to not even try), other layers are much more difficult to recognise.
It’s a complicated topic because these saboteurs can come from many different places: a negative experience, our parents, our ancestors, society, and the list goes on. Figuring how to recognise them and why they are actively trying to get in your way can therefore be really challenging.
Nevertheless, there are 3 common denominators that will allow you to understand them better and reduce the power they have over you.
SABOTEURS WANT TO KEEP YOU SAFE
I know it doesn’t always feel that way, but those inner voices that make you feel inappropriate, vulnerable and unworthy of success, love, abundance, or whatever you are yearning for are really only trying to keep you alive.
How is that? Well, our subconscious mind feels threatened as soon as we are faced with the unknown. It much prefers staying in a situation it understands, even if it doesn’t like it, than exploring a world full of risks, especially if they are risks we have taken before and got hurt in the process. So while you might be thinking that your inner voices are trying to make you feel bad about yourself and that your self-worth is way too low to engage in any activity that requires confidence, what they’re really doing is finding ways for you to stay safe, and that means staying in the space that you know.
The key is to understand that it’s not personal.
It’s simply a survival mechanism known to both animals and humans, which was developed millions of years ago. The risks related to the unknown were a question of life and death back then. Giving your inner voices a bit of empathy for their fears and reassuring them that the risks are not as great as they may think they are can be a great first step to reducing their power.
YOUR SABOTEURS ARE MOSTLY HANDED DOWN
Considering that saboteurs are “born” out of fear of the unknown, it’s not hard to understand how our ancestors will have passed down their saboteurs onto us. Parents want to keep their children safe, so they warn them of the dangers that lie ahead. The thing is that times change, and what may have been dangerous in their time or mind may not be the same for us. Yet when they bombard us with warning messages from an early age, they seep into our brain and take on a power of their own.
The key is recognising that safety in the eyes of a parent does not only concern the survival of our body, but also the well-being of our mind, which comes with being accepted and loved by other human beings. So while they might have made us believe we were messy, lazy, rude, or disrespectful, their intention was to teach us ways to be accepted by society.
Whether we agree with that as a principle or not is irrelevant, and whether they were fully aware of their core motivation is doubtful. Yet, deep down at a visceral level, most of them simply tried to give us the tools they believed were right in order to be loved and accepted.
THE PARADOX OF TRANSFORMATION
Interestingly, while the majority of parents mean well by trying to mold their children in ways to fit in, the message often gets lost in translation. As the “well-meaning” discourse can land as criticism, the feeling of not being “good enough” is the one that sticks. The great paradox in all this is that rather than try and disprove these thoughts in order to free ourselves of their limitations, we entertain them because in some strange way, they make us feel safe!
It’s the story of preferring “the devil I know” to whatever might lie out there, just in case it might be worse.
And so, the most ingenious survival mechanism, which has seen us through thousands of years of life-threatening dangers, gets transformed to form our greatest limitations. What kept us safe now holds us back from recognising just what amazing and resourceful creatures we are, not only as humans, but as individuals.
So the next time you hear your inner voices trying to stop you from putting yourself out there, sharing your vulnerability, taking a risk, or exploring new avenues… try considering your inner voices not as saboteurs who are trying to stop you from having a great life experience but as fearful ancestors who love you and simply want to keep you safe.
Nicole Wittauer is an Identity Coach and Founder of Maps of Life. Drawing on over 30 years of experience, Nicole works with people who get stuck in analysis-paralysis, helping them connect to a deeper sense of Identity and Purpose in order to move forward. She has coached Award-Winning Entrepreneurs and Influencers, and is the Creator of the Identity Atlas mapping system. For more information, visit www.maps-of-life.com.
